So You're LeavingThe Complete Novel
by Scarlett7
Summary: Johnny has escaped his life in Tulsa only to find more trouble as a family secret is unveiled. Can Dally protect him as the pieces of his past spiral out of control? Detailed summary inside.
1. Introduction

So You're Leaving- The Complete Novel

SUMMARY:

In the summer of 1966, Johnny Cade has finally had enough. At the urging of his cousin in Virginia, he finally decides to pack up and leave Tulsa. The gang is devastated to lose Johnny, but everyone knows he's better off... or is he? Dally's concern eventually gets the better of him, and he heads out to Virginia himself to make sure that Johnny is ok. Something strange is going on that he can't quite figure out, but as events of the past slowly begin to reveal themselves, Dally uncovers terrifying secrets that could spell disaster for Johnny and his family. As things start to spiral out of control, Dally struggles to protect Johnny in a world that has suddenly become more dangerous than the streets of Tulsa they left behind.

A note to the readers:

This is the "polished" version of "So You're Leaving". It's essentially the same story, with more chapters, more details and (hopefully) fewer typos. If you're into the hurt/comfort genre, I turned that up a notch, too. If you read the original version, perhaps you might like to read it again and enjoy the new little additions. If you haven't read it, I recommend that you don't sneak any peeks at the original, you'll spoil the ending!

Be prepared, this is a _long_ story, but I hope you'll find it to be an enjoyable journey!


	2. The Tipping Point

He should have known something bad was coming. He should have known that the world would never let him feel a sense of... what was it he had been feeling, anyway? Peace? Contentment? It didn't matter. He should have known better. There were very few times in his life he'd felt these things, and when he had, the feelings didn't last for very long. Reality always came sweeping over him like a wave, knocking him flat on his back and reminding him that the world was a dark place. It wasn't safe to entertain ideas like peace or contentment. But he had stopped earlier that day by the street sign on the corner, and he had taken notice of the clouds. It was at that moment he realized he had lived long enough in Tulsa to sense the coming weather based on the colors and shapes of the clouds. He knew there would be a storm tonight, and he had looked forward to claiming a spot on the couch at the Curtis house and just listening to the wind and rain. He wasn't feeling up to dealing with Buck's place tonight. He'd had his fill for the time being, and there was only so much he could take of Hank Williams. For just a moment, he felt almost a warm glow inside knowing he had somewhere safe and dry to go instead.

But now Dallas Winston was standing on the Curtis porch, wondering if the clouds had been foretelling more than just the weather. They were getting heavy and dark now. It wouldn't be long before the sky opened up, but he would not be settling onto the couch anytime soon. He lit another cigarette, trying desperately to quell the horrible mix of emotions churning inside of him.

He heard the screen door open behind him, but he didn't turn around.

"I guess... we're gonna go... give the kid a little peace and quiet." Two-Bit said with not even a trace of his usual light hearted mannerisms.

Dally just stared off into the distance.

Steve recognized the rage building beneath the carefully masked exterior. "C'mon," he said to Two-Bit as they made their way down the porch steps. "Let us know when you decide what we're gonna do, Dal."

At that, Dally nodded, but didn't take his eyes off the sky.

What they were going to do... Dally could barely process all that had happened tonight, let alone come up with a decent plan of retaliation. He was still going over and over the events of the day, trying to decide where he'd gone wrong.

Hours earlier, when he'd first started gazing up at the sky, Dally's attention had been drawn suddenly from the clouds to the vacant lot in the distance. When he first saw the group of boys standing in a huddled mass in the middle of the grassy field, he didn't know why his stomach had turned to ice. There was nothing to indicate visually that anything was wrong, but he knew. He started running towards them and saw Darry running from the house in the same direction.

No no no no no...

It was Johnny. Johnny... beaten so badly that Dally was sure he was dead. He felt the color drain from his face. He felt the lack of air entering his lungs and the suffocating fear that paralyzed every cell in his body.

Soda was holding him and talking softly to him as Johnny shifted slightly and moaned. Dally finally sucked in air.

Johnny was crying as he choked out the story of what had happen. Just the sound of his breaking voice sent violent waves of anguish through Dally's insides. And the tears...sure, he'd shed a few here and there, but that kid had been through so much and never broke down like this. To see him this way tore the whole gang to pieces.

There was a debate about whether to take him to the hospital or not. But Johnny begged them not to. In the end, it was the fear of further upsetting him that made them decide to just take him back to Darry's house.

Dally had never felt so useless... there was nothing he could do. He could offer no comfort- Soda had reached him first, and anyway, Soda was good at that kind of thing. He wasn't. He'd wanted so badly to pick the kid up and carry him back to the Curtis house, just to be able to hold him for a few minutes and feel that he was alive, but Darry had taken care of that. The only thing he could have done was protect Johnny, beat the life out of the people that had come after him, but he hadn't been there.

It seemed like hours before they got all the cuts to stop bleeding. Darry and Dally worked tirelessly pressing on the wounds, icing the bruises and getting Johnny cleaned up. Two-Bit and Steve brought ice, water and clean towels back and forth and Soda took Ponyboy to the store to get more first aid supplies and to get him away from the situation for a little while.

Dally almost couldn't do it. Every time he pressed on a bleeding wound, Johnny would let out a muffled cry. Dally's stomach would churn with a mix of rage at the Socs and anguish over hurting Johnny.

Darry would reach up and push Johnny's hair back. "We're sorry, kiddo... I know it hurts. We're gonna get you fixed up real quick." His voice was gentle and soothing and Dally was grateful for that, because he couldn't find the strength to utter a single word.

That night was one of the longest nights Dally had ever experienced. No one wanted to leave, but eventually to give Johnny some peace, Steve and TwoBit decided to head home.

Now Dally lingered on the porch with a cigarette watching them go, wondering if he should go too, but knowing he couldn't. He wandered back into the house where Soda was coaxing Ponyboy off to bed.

Ponyboy was completely traumatized by the whole thing, but trying to put up a tough front. He was failing miserably. Dally was pretty sure he was crying by the time Soda got him to the bedroom.

Darry was sitting on the edge of the couch beside Johnny, talking softly to him and holding an ice pack against the side of his head.

"...gonna be all right, kid. Nobody's gonna hurt you here," Darry said in a low voice.

Dally could see Johnny shaking slightly. At first he though maybe Johnny was still crying, but he wasn't. He was trembling... from fear or cold, Dally couldn't tell which. Something inside was pulling at him, wanting to go to Johnny... wanting to let him know that Darry was right. He was safe here and no one would hurt him, because Dally would personally kill anyone who tried to.

But something else in him was paralyzed with fear saying over and over, you're too close... you're going to get burned.

Darry looked up then. Seeing Dally, he took Johnny's hand and placed it over the ice pack he'd been holding. "Here, kiddo... can you hold this here for a second? I'm gonna bring you some more water."

Darry got up and followed Dally to the kitchen. Dally leaned up against the counter. Darry looked at him as he refilled Johnny's glass. "He's gonna be ok," Darry said quietly.

Dally said nothing, but fire burned in his eyes.

Darry stood in front of him. "You know you have to keep it together."

Dally wouldn't meet his gaze. "I'll kill them, Darrel." It was the first time he'd spoken since they'd brought Johnny home.

Darry took a step closer. "You have to keep it together. For him..."

When Dally finally looked at him, Darry almost backed up. He'd seen Dallas Winston mad as hell before, but there was murderous rage in his eyes now... a level of fury that Darry had never seen in him. It was not going to be easy to contain him tonight.

"He's scared to death, Dal. If you get thrown in jail right now, what's that gonna do to him?" Darry knew the only thing that might bring Dally to his senses now was Johnny. "He needs you..."

Dally glanced towards the living room.

Darry handed him the glass. "Here, bring this to him. Let him know you're here. Let him know you're not going anywhere."

Dally faltered for a moment.

And that was when Darry realized that Dally was scared, too. Once they'd gotten Johnny cleaned up, Dally had retreated to the porch. He had stayed there until long after it had gotten dark and hadn't gotten near Johnny since. It was not just rage he was controlling right now, it was also fear and grief. And for a brief moment, Darry saw a flicker of that grief cross Dally's face.

Darry stepped forward and put his hand on Dally's shoulder. "Dally-"

Dally jerked away from him and threw the glass against the wall where it shattered, water splashing everywhere. He bolted out the back door.

On the back steps he doubled over momentarily, nearly getting sick. He straightened up, catching his breath, and headed around to the front of the house. He supported himself against the fence, his breathing ragged.

Darry followed him out. He hurried to Dally's side, restraining himself from touching him again. "Dally..." Darry began softly, as Dally stiffened and opened the gate.

Darry was sure he was going to take off.

The wind blew ominously through the trees. A few drops of rain fell and splattered on the street. Dally kicked at a tree stump and yanked the gate shut that he had opened. He could open it, but he couldn't leave. He just couldn't leave. He turned towards Darry and ran his hand through his hair. He put his hands on his hips and shook his head, his eyebrows lowered dangerously. "They're gonna pay for this," Dally vowed.

"Later, Dal. Right now, he needs you here-"

"He doesn't need me!" Dally snapped.

Ah ha... Darry though. Fear, grief _and_ guilt. "This wasn't your fault, Dally. You know that." Darry said firmly.

Dally wouldn't meet his eyes.

"They waited for him to be alone-"

"I should have been there!" Dally's voice caught in his throat.

"You can't be with him all the time, Dally. This _wasn't_ _your_ _fault_."

Dally shoved his fists in his pockets and stalked off towards the gate again, looking off into the street. "I will slash the tires on ever single blue mustang on the West Side. I'm gonna wait outside their houses. I'm gonna kill the son of a bitch and all of his friends that did this-"

Darry stepped forward. "Right now you're gonna calm down and go in there and sit with him because he needs you_. _You know he does."

Dally just shook his head.

"I need you, too. I want somebody to stay with him when I have to go to work tomorrow. C'mon. Let's go back inside. I don't want him left alone."

Dally nodded finally and followed Darry inside. Darry didn't miss the hesitation as Dally approached the living room.

You're getting too close, something inside him warned again. Dally swallowed hard. Too close? No, it's too late. I got too close already. And this is what happens when you get too close, he thought ruefully rubbing his eyes where the lingering beginnings of a headache were starting to push mercilessly at him. He leaned tiredly on the doorframe, just watching Johnny. Then he steadied himself and gave in to the need to go to him.

He wandered over to the couch and sat down carefully on the edge. He put his hand gently on Johnny's arm.

Johnny flinched and opened his eyes.

"Easy kid, it's just me."

"Dally..."

Dally felt a tightness in his chest at the weakness of Johnny's voice. "Shh... don't talk."

"I thought you left..."

Dally felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. "No, I'm not going to leave you, buddy." he took a small amount of comfort from the look of relief that passed over Johnny's face.

"Wh..what was that noise?"

"The breaking glass?" Dally chuckled slightly. "That was me. Being really pissed off... thinking about slitting some Soc throats."

"Dally... don't..."

"Hey, what did I tell you about talking? C'mon... I ain't gonna do anything right now, all right? I'm gonna stick around here till you're better."

Johnny looked at him through swollen eye lids. "...don't want you … in jail..."

"And I don't want you wearin' yourself out, so shut up. I told you, I'm gonna stay here for now."

Thunder rumbled as the storm moved closer.

Johnny turned his head painfully towards the window. He did not like thunderstorms.

Dally noticed his apprehension. He very carefully pushed Johnny's hair out of his eyes. "Don't worry, kid... I'm right here," he said softly.

Darry came back into the room with a new glass of water. He handed it to Dally and the two of them helped Johnny drink some.

Darry walked over to one of the arm chairs and picked it up almost effortlessly. He set it down right next to the couch. "You sticking around, Dal? I'll go get some blankets."

"I sure as hell ain't going out in this," Dally gestured towards the rain that was now driving against the window.

He sat down in the chair as Darry came over with a pillow and blankets. "Get some sleep, you two." He leaned over and put a hand on Johnny's shoulder and pointed off to his room. "I'll be right there if you need me, all right? You guys can wake me up."

It didn't take much for Johnny to fall asleep. But it took a lot for him to stay asleep. And Dally didn't sleep at all. He knew every time Johnny woke up, every time he flinched at the thunder, every time he shifted his position slightly and painfully on the couch. For the most part, Dally stayed quiet not indicating to Johnny that he was awake, just keeping an eye on him to see if he needed help, comfort, of just to be left alone. Most of the time, Dally sensed Johnny's need for solitude. But a few times the thunder or a dream really jolted him awake, and Dally would reach over and lay a hand on his shoulder reminding him, "Still here, Johnnycake."

Once he heard Johnny let out a soft cry of pain as he tried to sit up. Dally got up then and sat down on the edge of the couch. "Hey," he whispered softly guiding Johnny back to the pillow. "What are you doin', kiddo?"

"...got cold..." Johnny said, shivering slightly.

"Oh," Dally said, pulling up one of the blankets by Johnny's feet and tucking it gently around his shoulders. "Just call me next time, buddy. I'm right here."

"I don't ….want to keep you up."

Dally shook his head. "You're not. C'mon... if I were over at Buck's I'd still be up. Those guys are up all night."

It was all he could do to suppress the fury he felt every time he looked at the kid. He desperately wanted to ask Johnny more about what had happened. He wanted more descriptions. He wanted names, if Johnny knew them. But he knew Darry was right. Upsetting him further in his current condition could be a very bad move. Instead, he sighed and adjusted the covers around Johnny's shoulders. "So, you ok now? Do you need any more blankets?"

"No, I'm ok."

"All right. Now, no more worryin' about waking me up, I mean it. You understand?"

"Yeah," Johnny whispered.

Dally moved back to the armchair. He was sitting just out of Johnny's field of vision, which in his state wasn't much. He rubbed his forehead and looked at the ceiling then back at Johnny, shaking his head.

That familiar blackness was filling his soul again. That feeling of hopeless darkness that consumed him from the inside was looming all around him. He hated this neighborhood. He hated Johnny's parents. He hated the Socs. And he hated himself for stopping to look at clouds.

This can't go on, he thought. This has to stop.

What he didn't realize was that Johnny was thinking the same thing. But with a vastly different solution.


	3. So You're Leaving

__"Can't Stop Loving You" by Phil Collins, The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton

_Three months later_

_August 25, 1966_

_Buck's place_

_4:30 a.m._

The thread-bare towel that usually blocked most of the sunlight from entering the room billowed slightly in the gentle night breeze. He hadn't even bothered to pull the make shift curtain shut tonight. He would need to be awake before the sun even had a chance to reach his eyes. Considering that it was almost dawn, and he'd slept all of about half an hour, Dally was not concerned about waking up in time. Trying to sleep anymore was proving useless as another wave of nausea passed over him. How much did I drink last night? He wondered vaguely about the events of the last 8 hours or so. It didn't seem that he'd had enough to make himself sick in the morning. He'd actually taken it pretty easy last night. Anyway, this didn't feel like a hang over. He just felt sick.

He sat up slowly and pulled on a t-shirt. Then he carefully got up and walked over to the window and looked out at the seemingly peaceful landscape below. All the night time noises, most of which came from the building he was in had stopped and everything was quiet. From his window in one of the spare rooms at Buck's, he could see the city skyline, some houses and the water tower that marked where the train tracks came through town. He just stared at it for a few minutes. It would be quiet like this for a while, even after the sun came up. No one here would be up before noon, except for him. And Johnny.

As that thought entered his head, the nausea came rushing back so strong he barely had time to make it to the bathroom.

_ 2 weeks earlier_

_August 9, 1966_

It was a Tuesday afternoon when Dally found him sitting there on an old wooden crate behind The Dingo, poking at some rocks with a stick. His t-shirt was ripped at the neck and his face was cut up and bruised. He didn't see Dally at first and Dally just stood and watched him for a moment. He felt the anger building inside him again, an anger he had felt so often he was almost becoming numb to it. Almost.

"Johnny," he finally said.

The dark haired boy looked up in surprise, not having expected anyone to find him there, then immediately looked down hoping to hide the shame written all over his face.

Dally walked over to him and stood with his hands on his hips. "Your old man?"

Johnny nodded.

Dallas really hadn't needed to ask . Johnny never got in fights with anyone, never left their territory alone anymore after what had happened with the Socs. But Dally and the rest of the gang would still find him like this... so many times. There was only one person left to blame.

He took Johnny's arm. "C'mon, " he said softly. "Let's go get these cuts taken care of."

They walked in silence to the Curtis's house. Dally knew no one would be home yet, which would save Johnny from having any more attention drawn to him. They would all mean well, but Dally knew he just didn't like to talk about it. Dally didn't feel like talking about it either.

They walked up the steps and went into the house. They knew they were welcome anytime, day or night, whether anyone was home or not.

Johnny headed for the kitchen and put some ice in a towel for his bruises. Dally took some things out of the medicine cabinet and got a wet cloth. They sat down at the kitchen table. Dally struggled then to maintain his calm. Once they had stopped moving the anger started building up again. He didn't know how many more times he could stand to see Johnny this way.

He had hounded Johnny for a while about the Socs that had gotten him several months back. He demanded to know who they were, but Johnny insisted he didn't know them. The only thing he could tell Dally was that one of them was wearing a bunch of rings, which didn't narrow things down much. Dally and Tim had been planning to go after a few groups that might have had something to do with it, but they weren't really sure. The things they were planning would probably land him in jail for a week or so, but Dally didn't care. He was so full of pent up frustration that he didn't even care if he got the right guys.

Focus on fixing the kid up, Dally told himself. But as he turned his attention towards Johnny, he noted that Johnny seemed preoccupied with something. And he didn't look as... defeated as usual.

"Something on your mind, kid?" Dally asked as he dabbed the wet cloth on Johnny's face. Johnny looked at him. His expression changed suddenly from one of carefully masked determination to one of guilt. He looked down.

Dally didn't push him. He knew that Johnny wouldn't talk unless he wanted to. But he seemed on the verge of saying something... and Dally was getting a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach that he wasn't going to like whatever it was.

After a fairly long silence, Johnny looked up. The determined look was back. "I've been thinking about getting out of here," he blurted out. "I have it planned out and I think I need to leave. For a while."

Dallas stopped tending to Johnny's wounds and stared at him in disbelief. "What?"

_August 25, 1966_

_Buck's place_

_4:35 a.m. _

Dally sat on the edge of the tub, his head in his hands. He was still shaking and his stomach was not showing any signs of settling down.

Great time to be getting sick, he thought miserably.

He stood up slowly and walked back into the bedroom. He laid back down on the bed and stared at the peeling wallpaper.

There has to be some other way, he thought desperately. There has to be.

But he knew there wasn't.

_August 9, 1966_

"You're going to run away?" Dallas wasn't sure how to react to Johnny's statement, but part of him was angry. "Why don't you just stay here with Ponyboy?"

Johnny looked pleadingly at him. Dally knew as soon as it came out of his mouth that it just wasn't an option. They both knew the Curtis brothers had enough on their plates without adding another person into the household.

"Or you could stay at Buck's. He's got room-"

"Dally..."

Dally's voice rose a bit and his eyes narrowed. "Well, where else do you think you're going to go?"

"I'm going to get out of Tulsa and-"

"No! This is crazy. I don't know where you think you're going, but the fuzz will eventually pick you up if you don't freeze or starve to death first and-"

"Dally! I have a place to stay. I've been writing letters to my cousin, Matt. We were real close about, oh, 6 or 7 years ago. He asked me how things were going and I told him. I don't know why, I guess it was easy to talk about everything when all I had to do was write it down. I told him everything. And he told me I need to get out of here, and I think he's right!"

"Who?" Dally was staring at him like he had two heads. It was too much for him to process all at once. And it was really making him mad. "What cousin? What the _hell_, Johnny?! Why do you need to go live with some family member you hardly know? You don't think your parents are going to send the cops out to find you?"

The minute he said it he knew the answer. Johnny looked almost amused at that, but he was getting too nervous about Dally's temper to be amused about much of anything.

"No, I don't. And even if they did, they only have two years to find me. Once I turn eighteen, they can't touch me anymore," he said with conviction.

Dally was pacing the floor and running his hand through his hair.

Johnny continued. "Anyways, he's got a great job- he runs his own business, and he said I could help out, and he's got plenty of room and-"

"Stop it! Johnny, this is crazy. You can't just leave. You can't just... all of a sudden... decide that you're leaving and then-" Dallas was stammering. He didn't know what to say. And that was making him even angrier. At first, he thought Johnny was just toying with the idea, but it was becoming quite clear that he had and actual plan. A plan that had been in the works for some time. He had every intention of leaving Tulsa.

Leaving Tulsa...

"Dal, would you rather I stay here and keep getting beat up by my old man a few times a week and the Socs on the other days? I... I just can't take much more of this." Johnny was afraid to look at Dally now. He knew if Dally pushed too much, he'd do whatever he said. If Dally said he wasn't going to go, he wouldn't go. He was already starting to lose his nerve. Maybe this idea was crazy.

But Dally was thinking about something else at this point and he was looking at Johnny with his arms folded. "Where exactly does this cousin of yours live?"

Johnny's stomach went cold.

"Well?" Dally demanded.

"Near Harrisonburg... Virginia"

Dally just stood there, stunned.

"Dally," Johnny almost whispered. "This is really hard..."

Dally turned and stormed out of the house, slamming the door.

_August 25, 1966_

_Buck's place_

_4:40 a.m. _

As he lay there, he thought about Johnny in Virginia.

He'll be happy, Dally thought. He'll be safe. He thought about Johnny not having to worry about someone hitting him every time he turned around. Maybe he'd like working with his cousin. Maybe he'd get to see the ocean. Dally had seen the ocean once when he was in New York.

He noticed as he lay there thinking, that his stomach was settling a little. He kept thinking. Maybe Johnny would be really happy. And no one will hurt him anymore.

And then he tried to picture what it would be like after Johnny was gone. But he couldn't. He just felt an empty nothingness and his stomach began to feel rotten again.

He didn't have a hangover. And deep down he knew he didn't have the flu.

Johnny was leaving.

And it was killing him.

_August 9, 1966_

Johnny was sitting in the vacant lot that night staring at a small fire he'd made to keep warm. Dally could see him even from where he stood on the other side of the street.

He'd brooded for the rest of the day, but for once in his life he'd finally tried to think of the whole situation from someone else's point of view. Part of him, a very small part, felt relief. Johnny had found a way out, and that was exactly what the whole gang had always really wanted for him. It was what Dally had always wanted.

By nightfall, he'd decided he needed to talk to Johnny.

As Dally approached the small fire, Johnny heard him coming and jumped a little.

"It's just me," Dally said looking at his feet. He sat down beside Johnny.

Johnny stared at him. He was surprised Dally was even talking to him after how mad he'd been.

"So, uh.." Dally took a long drag on his cigarette. " This cousin of yours... Matt, whatever his name is...what's he do?"

Johnny's mouth dropped open. "You... you're OK with me going?"

"I didn't say that," Dally snapped.

Johnny looked down. Dally scowled. He was still a little mad, but he knew Johnny felt terrible, and he just couldn't stand that.

"Look, Johnny, I'm not mad... " That was kind of a lie, Dally thought, but he went on. "You just threw that whole thing at me so fast, and I didn't have any time to think about it... like you did. Virginia's a long way from here. I just don't want to see you get hurt is all. I mean I don't like to see that here, but there, you'd be so far away..."

Johnny tried to hide his surprise at how Dally was talking. He seemed genuinely worried, and Johnny had never seen him worry about anything. "Nobody's going to hurt me there. That's why I need to go..."

"I know."

"I'll come back, Dally. Two years, that's all I need."

Dally looked at the fire. "That's a long time, Johnnycake."

They sat in silence for a while. Then Dally asked, " Have you told the boys yet?"

Johnny shook his head. "I don't know if I should. I mean, I'll have to sooner or later, but I told you because I didn't think you'd try to talk me out of it... and I need something that I think you could probably help me with."

"What?"

"Matt's sending me all the cash I need to get a train from here to his home town. But if anybody asks to see some identification...I'd rather not leave a trail. I don't know that I'll need it, but you know... just in case."

"So you want some fake ID."

"Yeah... I don't know. Man, this whole thing is crazy, isn't it?" Johnny pushed his hair back and sighed.

Dally let out a sigh and looked at him, finally. "Johnny, you found a way out. It took guts to get even this far. If this is what you want, I'll get you what you need."

Johnny looked up gratefully. "I don't know what I want Dal. But I know if I stay here..."

Dally nodded.

"Oh, to answer your question, Matt is a veterinarian. You met him once, but it was a long time ago. He just graduated and started his own clinic." Johnny stated.

For the first time in a while Dallas Winston grinned. He thought of Johnny spending his days taking care of puppies. "Johnny the vet."

"Vet's assistant" Johnny corrected. "And not really, I don't know enough about that kind of stuff to be a real assistant. I'd just be helping out."

Dally just shook his head still smiling.

_August 25, 1966_

_Buck's place_

_4:45 a.m. _

Dally paced the room almost franticly. _What is wrong with me?_ he thought as his heart raced. He was settling his stomach by sheer will and not doing a great job, but now his head was throbbing. He was looking for something at the moment. He wanted- he _needed-_to give Johnny something, but as he circled the small room he realized how little he actually had. Switchblade? No, Johnny has one. Money? Dally had $50 coming from Buck that he'd won in a poker match. He thought about waking Buck and demanding it right now, but then he realized Johnny didn't need money, either.

He dug around in the drawers of the dresser where he kept some clothes. Great, he thought. Here you go Johnny, here's a sock to remember me by. And then he spotted something. It was an old photo in a little black frame of the gang hanging out in the lot. They were all in it. Pony's mom had taken it. She'd given it to Dallas because he'd stayed out of trouble for a whole week or some crazy thing like that. He smiled a little when he looked at it. He'd been about 13 at the time. Johnny was about 12. It seemed like a hundred years ago. He'd kept that picture because it reminded him of better times. When the gang was younger, when the Curtis parents had been alive. It reminded him that he had a good side. Mrs. Curtis had seen that.

He took the picture out of the drawer and held it for a few minutes. He would give this to Johnny. It was the only thing he had that was of any sentimental value. Or really of any value at all.

It's going to be all right, Dally told himself for at least the tenth time as he put the picture in the pocket of his coat.

_August 12, 1966_

Within a few days, Dally had Johnny's new identification. He handed it to him one afternoon while they were hanging out on the Curtis's porch, waiting for the rest of the gang to show up. "Here you go, Johnnycake. It's the new you."

Johnny took the envelope hesitantly.

"Go on, open it!" Dally seemed almost excited.

Johnny pulled out some paperwork and a photo ID card and read the name.

"Joseph... Winston?!"

"Yep. That's right." Dally looked quite proud of himself. "I made you my kid brother- officially."

Johnny looked at him in admiration.

Dally was smoking away proudly on his cigarette. To him it was all a joke on the authorities, but Johnny was touched. "That's tuff enough, huh. Thanks, Dally."

"Now we just go down to the station and pick up your ticket. No sweat, Joey..." Dally said trying out the new name on him. He thought about it and then made a face. "Nope. You're a Johnny. But that was too obvious."

"The Winston part is probably pushing it," Johnny laughed.

"Nah, it's pretty common here. I checked the phone book."

"Well, when I come back, maybe you could change my first name back."

Dally was quiet for a minute. He looked off into the distance as he often did when he was thinking about something. "Sure, kid. Anything you want."

That evening, Johnny had decided he would tell the rest of the gang the news. Dally went off to the Dingo. He didn't want to be around for that.

_August 25, 1966_

_Buck's place_

_4:50 a.m. _

Dally tried to remember how this had all started. He vaguely remembered Johnny receiving letters from a cousin, but he'd never really discussed what was in them. He tried to remember meeting Matt. Johnny said he had, a long time ago. Matt and his parents had been staying in Tulsa, but they left soon after Dally had arrived. And Matt had been so much older than everyone in the gang that he never had seemed to really be a part of their group.

It was already over two weeks ago that Johnny told him he was leaving. It seemed like yesterday, things had happened so fast. Ponyboy had taken the news really hard. He had stuck beside Johnny like glue after that. He'd even ditched school a few times to hang out with him. Darry hadn't gotten too upset about it, even though school had just started. He knew Ponyboy wanted to spend as much time with Johnny as he could before Johnny left. Pony had begged to come to the train station, but they had all decided it would be best there weren't a lot of people there so Johnny could sneak away quietly. Two greasers at the train station would be less noticeable than three.. or seven for that matter. And Johnny wasn't one for being part of a "scene". They had all agreed that someone should go with Johnny, and when Dally said, "I'll go," he used a tone that no one dared argue with.

Dally felt bad, in a way. He knew how much Johnny meant to the gang. This was hard on everyone, but at the same time he was relieved. He was going to have a hard enough time saying goodbye to Johnny himself. He didn't need another over-emotional person making it harder. If Soda, Two-bit or Pony came along, Dally was sure there'd be bawling. At this point, he was beginning to wonder if _he_ would be able to keep it together. And besides, he had to do this. It had to be him. He didn't know why.

There was a small knock at the door. Dally breathed and tried to focus on anything but the sudden churning in his stomach.

Johnny poked his head in the door. He looked tired. He set a small bag down on the floor. "Did you sleep ok, kid?" Dally asked.

Johnny shook his head 'no'. On top of looking tired, he looked sad and scared.

That look is why he has to go, Dally reminded himself as he felt a twinge of sorrow. He won't have that look anymore where he's going. He put his hand on Johnny's shoulder. "Hey, buddy, it's gonna be all right."

Johnny nodded.

Dally picked up his coat and handed Johnny a cigarette. "You all set?"

Johnny took a deep breath. "I guess."

Dally picked up his bag and gently pushed Johnny towards the door.

_So you're leaving _

_In the morning _

_On the early train, _

_Well I could say everything's all right _

_And I could pretend and say goodbye._

They walked together down the silent hallway of Buck's place. Dally had never seen the place like this. It was almost spooky. He was so used to the noise. They went out to the front steps to finish their cigarettes and wait for the taxi. The sun hadn't come up yet and the air was very cold. A few stars still lingered in the early morning sky.

"So Matt's gonna meet you in Harrisonburg?"

Johnny nodded.

Dally could tell he was scared. He didn't talk much in general, but when he was scared he really shut up.

"You think you'll like working with critters?"

Johnny actually brightened a bit at the mention of the job. "Yeah, I think it'll be ok," he said quietly. When he looked up, Dally could see excitement in his eyes. "Matt says he takes care of strays, too. He says I can have my own dog- any one I want."

Dally looked at him. Johnny had always liked dogs. "Any ONE?"

Johnny grinned sheepishly "Well, maybe two."

Dally was satisfied that he'd gotten a smile out of him.

_Got your ticket, _

_Got your suitcase, _

_Got your leaving smile. _

_I could say that's the way it goes,_

_And I could pretend and you won't know _

_That I was lying,_

Johnny was looking a little more comfortable. Which, Dally was surprised to discover, actually made him feel worse. He wanted Johnny to be happy, but when he finally was, Dally felt something he could only describe as hurt. He didn't know why. He had been so confused the past few weeks.

Then he looked at Johnny. That was his friend, his kid brother. Dally had been serious about that when he picked out Johnny's new name.

Johnny suddenly looked a little older, a little more sure of himself. Dally knew he couldn't protect him if he stayed. Things had been getting worse for a long time, no one had wanted to admit it. That was why Johnny had to leave. Dally felt that he had failed in some ways. The only thing left for him to do now was to let Johnny go. Push him away to somewhere that he could be happy, some place where he wouldn't need to be looked out for. Dally knew the only way to do that was to make sure Johnny got on that train. As hard as it was, and much as it seemed to be ripping out his own heart, it was the last thing left that he could do to protect Johnny. He realized he would miss Johnny terribly, and he suddenly understood why he felt the way he did.

_'Cause I can't stop loving you _

_No I can't stop loving you _

_No I won't stop loving you. _

_Why should I?_

In the distance a set of headlights started to get brighter. "That's probably our ride, " Dally said.

Johnny crushed out his cigarette and picked up his bag.

A taxi pulled up to Buck's and stopped.

Johnny and Dally walked down the steps and got in. They didn't speak on the way to the train station, but it was not an uncomfortable silence. Dally had grown accustomed to Johnny's quiet ways and sometimes he found more was said through Johnny's silence than other people's words.

The train station wasn't crowded. Some business people wandered around with coffee and brief cases, making their morning commute to work.

Johnny and Dally walked over to the gate where Johnny's train would arrive.

Dally was shaking again and his insides were cold. His stomach wasn't bothering him as much anymore, but there was an aching in his chest, the likes of which he had never felt before in his life. He fought for control as he reached into the pocket of his coat. Fortunately, Johnny appeared to be preoccupied with his surroundings. He was scared enough right now for Dally's emotional state to go unnoticed.

_We took a taxi to the station _

_Not a word was said. _

_I saw you walk across the floor _

_For maybe the last time, I don't know._

Dally pulled out the picture and took one last look. "Johnny?"

Johnny looked over at him.

"I uh... found this and ... I thought maybe you'd like to take it with you," he breathed carefully. Control, Dallas, he told himself as he handed the picture to Johnny.

Johnny's eyes glowed. "Hey! I remember this picture! Mrs. Curtis gave it to you for staying out of trouble, " he laughed.

Dally nodded. part of him thought it was funny, but there was no laughter left in him now. "Yep. Now I'm giving it to you, so you have to stay out of trouble."

"Oh, yeah! Like you did?" Johnny was still smiling, but then he caught sight of Dally's expression. He almost stepped back, it surprised him so much.

Johnny had never seen pain in Dally's face before, let alone so much. He was trying so hard to hide it, Johnny wondered how much of it he couldn't even see.

"D-Dal?" Johnny practically whispered. "Are you ...ok?"

Dally took Johnny by the shoulders and looked right in his eyes. "Listen to me, kid. If this doesn't work out for you, if you change your mind, _you call me_. Call Darry. You let us know. And I swear, we'll get you back here as fast as we can. No questions asked, whatever it takes. I want you to remember that... OK?"

Johnny nodded. He was too stunned to speak. He'd never seen Dally so concerned, so emotional. Were those tears in his eyes?

Dally let go of him and rubbed his forehead. "I didn't ...get a lot of sleep last night."

Johnny nodded, still staring at him. He suddenly felt bad. What was he doing? How could he just walk out on Dally? On all his friends? They all cared about him and he was just going to leave.

Dally caught the pained look in Johnny's eyes and knew exactly what he was thinking. "No you don't, kid," he said softly. "You know this is the right thing to do for yourself. C'mon... " Dally pointed towards the gate that was now boarding.

"Dally," Johnny's voice shook.

Then Dally pulled him forward and hugged him. "You have to go, Johnnycake. Go where nobody's going to hurt you anymore." Then he pulled away and looked him in the eye again and said, "But don't you lose touch with us."

Johnny returned his gaze with tear filled eyes. "I'll come back Dal, I swear I will."

Dally messed up his hair. "Go on, kid." And with that, Dally turned abruptly and walked off.

_Feeling humble, _

_Heard the rumble _

_On the railway track. _

_And when I hear the whistle blow, _

_I walk away so you won't know _

_That I'll be crying..._

Johnny took a deep breath, choked back a sob, and turned and boarded the train.

Dally had turned quickly because a tear had finally escaped and more were threatening to follow. He walked away from the small crowd starting to line up at the gate. He thought he would at least make it out of the building but didn't get all that far before the ground blurred to the point were he could barely make out where he was going. His knees began to buckle. He collapsed on a near by bench, put his head in his hands and gave in to the tears.

_Because I can't stop loving you _

_No I can't stop loving you _

_No I won't stop loving you _

_Why should I _

_Even try?_

Dally knew Johnny would be on the train by now, and he was sure at this point that he had walked far enough not to be seen.

He was wrong.

_I'll always be here by your side _

From a window on a slowly moving train, a small dark haired boy watched him with big, sad eyes. Had Dally looked up, he might have seen him mouth the words "I'm sorry."

_I never wanted to say goodbye_

But Dally just sat there alone on the bench, crying tears of sorrow and relief, missing Johnny, and hoping with all the strength he had left that someday he'd see him again.

_I'll always be here if you change, _

_change your mind... _

_So you're leaving _

_In the morning _

_On the early train _

_Well I could say everything's all right, _

_And I could pretend to say goodbye _

_But I would be lying _

_Because I can't stop loving you_

_No I can't stop loving you _

_No I won't stop loving you _

_Why should I _

_Tell me why _

_Why should I _

_Even try?_


	4. No Turning Back

Johnny woke up as the train slowed to a stop at yet another station. This is going to take forever, he thought. He was really doing it. He was really leaving. Never again would he feel the sting of his father's beatings. No more would he have to see the apathy in his mother's eyes. He had hoped the experience would feel liberating, maybe even a little exciting. But it didn't. It didn't change the fact that his father couldn't stand him and that his mother didn't care. There was no way for him to change that. Though it still hurt him terribly, he had to be content to know that he could only change his own reaction to their abuse. This time his reaction was to walk through the door that had been open to him for so long. He'd had a lot of letters from his cousin Matt, more than he'd let on to Dally, inviting him to come and stay in Virginia for a little while. Or forever, if he wanted. He had burned every one after he'd read them. His father would've made sure he never saw another letter again. Johnny's father didn't get along with the Virginia relatives. Johnny had never understood why. They were kind people, from what he could remember of them. He shook his head at the thought. His father didn't get along with anyone.

Johnny stared out the window. He tried to take in the scenery and let go of the heaviness weighing down on his heart. He missed the gang. He would miss them even more in the days to come, he knew. His nerves had settled slightly in the few hours he'd been on the train. But calming his nerves only made more room for guilt to take over. He hated leaving them, especially Ponyboy.

Ponyboy had been so upset when Johnny broke the news to him that he was leaving. Johnny had been afraid he was going to cry. Pony had gone to Darry and begged him to talk to Social Services. Johnny and Darry both had to explain to him that that just wouldn't work. Then Ponyboy ran down an entire list of alternatives to leaving Tulsa, from staying with Two-Bit and his mom to staying with Dally to- and this was Johnny's favorite- building a semi-permanent structure in the vacant lot where Johnny and Pony would stay together.

"We could take lumber from abandoned houses and sheds in the neighborhood and just set something up. We could sleep out here and cook over a fire and just go back to my house for running water. And when Social Services show up, if they find me out here, we can just say we build a fort, or something." He was rambling desperately. He was throwing out any and every idea he could think of in hopes that some better alternative would surface.

Johnny could tell that even as he was describing the fort possibility, Ponyboy was realizing that it was ridiculous. But Johnny was careful not to sound mocking as he gently discouraged the idea. "Ponyboy, you don't want to live out here. You got a home and two brothers that love you."

At that point, Ponyboy lowered his head and looked sullenly at the ground.

Johnny sat closer to him and put his arm around Ponyboy's shoulders. "C'mon, man. I'll come back when I turn 18. We'll write letters to each other and you can come visit! C'mon... you know we'll always be friends, right? No matter what?"

Pony had just looked sadly at him and nodded. Johnny had come very close to changing his mind right then.

But he didn't. He had left his best friend. Things had gotten that bad. He had walked away knowing that Ponyboy was devastated, the whole gang was upset.

But what was really throwing him for a loop right now was Dallas. He would never forget seeing Dally sitting on that bench, his head in his hands, and... Johnny tried to convince himself that he hadn't seen it, but there was no mistaking it. There had been actual tears in Dally's eyes. Dallas Winston. The toughest member of the gang, the one who could handle _anything_. Johnny hadn't felt so sad since the Curtis brothers' parents had been killed. That had definitely been much worse, though, he told himself. But this feels pretty bad... and different. There wasn't anything he could have done about Ponyboy's mom and dad. But this... he _did_ this to Ponyboy and the gang, and to Dally. For Dally to have broken down like that, it must have really hurt him.

Dally's fine, he told himself again. He was just tired. He said he hadn't slept much last night. He'll be fine. Dally's always fine. And I'm going to be fine. And so will Ponyboy, he thought to himself. Johnny stared out the window. He was not convinced.


	5. Wings

_When You Come Back Down _by Nickel Creek...

_You've gotta leave me now _

_You've got to go alone, _

_You've got to chase the dream, _

_One that's all your own, _

_before it slips away. _

_When you're flying high, _

_Take my heart along. _

_I'll be the harmony to every lonely song _

_That you learn to play. _

_When you're soaring through the air _

_I'll be your solid ground _

_Take every chance you dare, _

_I'll still be there _

_When you come back down. _

Dally sat there for a while, exhausted. He had never felt so drained. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was stained with traces of tears. He had only cried a little, but the sensation was so foreign to him that just the few tears he'd shed had taken a good deal of energy. He felt oddly numb now, sitting there alone in the train station. A few people gave him a quick glance, but most walked right by and ignored him. One elderly lady paused for a moment and gave him a sympathetic look, but she kept on walking. Dally noticed that he felt nothing. Ordinarily, people looking at him funny would have really set him off. But not today.

The moment he'd turned and let Johnny go, a piece of him was gone. He felt no anger, no rage at the world. He felt... relieved?

Relieved... but how could relief and pain co-exist this way? No, he didn't feel pain. He couldn't feel pain right now. He was so empty inside. So full of nothingness.

Eventually, he got up and headed to a men's room where he splashed cold water on his eyes. He caught a look in the mirror and what he saw startled him. He looked just like he felt, which was pretty bad.

Guess I aught to head on home, he thought. Maybe he'd just crash for the rest of the day. He left the train station and walked out into pouring rain. He was completely soaked within minutes, but he hardly noticed. He just kept walking. He didn't really know if he was going to catch another taxi, or hitchhike or what.

What have I done? He kept asking the question over and over, part of him certain that if he continued to ask, somehow he would start to believe that this was all a mistake. He would come up with an answer that was so convincing, a solution so much better, that he would have to bring Johnny home. But somewhere deep inside his mind, deep inside his soul, he knew this was how it had to be. Johnny had a window of escape, and he had to go before it was too late.

After a while his legs began to ache. His stomach was growling and he was really cold. He finally ended up hitching a ride with some guy who drove him the rest of the way to the Curtis's. Originally he had intended to just go back to Buck's, but he wasn't thinking and he told the guy Darry's address. When he got out of the car, he realized what he'd done, but he was too tired to bother going anywhere else. He stared at the porch for a minute, thinking of Johnny. Johnny wasn't there... a brief feeling of intense pain filled him, but he buried it. He wondered vaguely if Johnny was feeling anything like he was. Probably not, he thought, trying to find some comfort in the idea. Johnny was free. He was safe.

He was too tired to notice that the Ford was parked in the driveway and at least Darry was home. In his mind, only an hour had passed. In reality, it was almost 3 in the afternoon. He had sat in the train station for quite a while and then walked for miles, not necessarily in the direction of "home". He had wandered aimlessly all day without even realizing it.

He just kept thinking as he climbed the steps, Johnny's going to be fine, Johnny's going to be fine...what have I done?

He hoped Johnny remembered what he had told him, that if he changed his mind, he could always come back.

He reached the top of the Curtis' front porch and opened the door. He was completely drained of energy.

I'll crash on the couch for half an hour then I'll head over to Buck's, he thought. But at that moment, he realized someone else was there. He almost jumped when saw Darry moving about in the kitchen.

Darry just stared at him from the other room. "Where have you been?" he asked putting down the dishes he was setting out at the table. It sounded so much like he was talking to Ponyboy that Dally almost wanted to laugh.

Darry walked over to him. "Dally? You're soaked- you're freezing! How long have you been outside?"

Dally just looked at him blankly. His eyes finally widened when he saw the clock.

He let Darry lead him to the couch. "Sit down, " he commanded and hurried off to the hallway. He came back with a couple towels that he handed to Dally.

Dally just sat there.

Darry got down beside him and took one of the towels. He took off Dally's jacket that was heavy with rain water.

Dally leaned forward and put his head in his hands.

Darry put the towel hesitantly around Dally's shoulders. Something was very wrong. He had seen Dally cool and calm, he'd seen him very aggressive and he'd seen him mad as hell. He'd never seen Dally behave the way he was now. It was almost like... his spirit was gone... like everything that made him the way he was had changed.

"Dally?" Darry talked to him quietly and cautiously. He didn't know what to expect. From the way he knew Dally, he sort of expected him to just blow up with anger at any minute, but he wasn't himself at all. "Kiddo, I think you've been outside too long. You're gonna make yourself sick, if you haven't already... Look, why don't you go put on some dry clothes and have something to eat. Are you hungry? Have you even eaten at all today?"

Dally shook his head without looking up. "No," he said weakly, trying to muster some anger, some of his old self, but it just wasn't there.

Darry was getting a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Dally was messed up. He was never quiet. He was never so... docile. He actually looked like he was on the verge of tears. Darry felt bad. He hadn't realized what losing Johnny would do to Dally. He had had a suspicion that Dally might take this hard, but this was worse than he had suspected. He had already begun to have concerns for the rest of the gang, but now he realized his main concern might need to be refocused.

Finally, Darry squatted down beside the couch. "You know what, Dal?" he asked softly. "Johnny's ok. He's gonna be all right."

Without looking up, after what seemed like an eternity, Darry barely heard him whisper, "How do we know that?"

Darry wasn't prepared to answer the question. He didn't know. But he didn't have time to answer, because Dally spoke again. "I didn't think this would be... so hard." His voice, again, was almost inaudible, but Darry could clearly hear the pain in his words. It took every ounce of effort he had for Darry to control his reaction. Who was this? Nothing was hard for Dallas Winston. And he certainly wouldn't admit it if it was. He was terrified, Darry realized. Terrified that he had made a horrible mistake in letting Johnny go and he was too far away to protect him now.

Darry thought for a moment before he responded, choosing his words carefully, and hoping that he could be of some small help to his grieving friend. "Yeah, I know. We all miss him. But you know what? He's safe, Dally. That means we'll get to see him again. I know we will." Darry tried to sound as convincing as he could. "Tomorrow night he'll be sleeping in a bed in a house where nobody will hurt him. He'll be warm, he'll have enough food to eat. He'll be able to go for walks, hang out, he won't have to be afraid anymore... And he'll be dying for you to come and visit him so he can show you his new life... And probably his new dog."

Dally glanced at him for a second. Darry caught a fleeting glimpse of what he thought might be amusement as Dally processed that thought. Then he leaned back against the couch, his eyes glazed over with exhaustion. A drop of rain water fell from his hair and ran down his forehead. Darry wiped it away carefully with the corner of the towel, still cautious to get too close, knowing Dally could lash out at any time.

Darry stood up. "C'mon," he said as he took Dally by the arm and lead him down the hallway to Soda's room. He pulled some sweatpants and a shirt out of the dresser and handed it to Dally. "Put on some dry clothes and lie down for a little while. I'll get you something to eat. And Dally, "he paused and looked Dally in the eyes, not really sure what to say. "Just because he's not down the road doesn't mean that he doesn't need you anymore. He's gonna call here eventually. He's probably really scared right now and he probably really misses the gang. He's gonna need everybody to be strong for him. When he calls, he's gonna want to hear your voice. He's gonna want to hear you tell him that everything's all right. You've got to take care of yourself, keep your strength up. He still needs us. He still needs _you_, Dally. This was the right thing to do... It's not easy takin' care of little brothers."

Dally finally made real eye contact with him. Darry smiled slightly and headed off to the kitchen.

After a few minutes, Ponyboy and Soda came into the house. Dally listened as the door slammed shut behind them.

"Pony?" Darry called.

There was no reply, only the sound of Ponyboy's door closing.

"He hasn't said anything all day," Dally heard Soda say. "Steve's in a real sour mood and Two-Bit- he hasn't even smiled once today!"

"I know, little buddy. Everybody's takin' it hard. But it's gonna be ok."

"How do you know, Darry?" Soda said, his voice despondent.

"I just do, all right?" Darry replied reassuringly.

How do you know, Darry... Dally repeated the question in his head. You don't know. Nobody knows. Eventually, Dally gave in to exhaustion and drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

Darry continued to set out plates for dinner. I'm going to be doing a lot of damage control around here for a while, he thought. I'll have to get after Johnny for leaving me with such a mess. He immediately thought better of that- Johnny would be crushed if he knew what this was doing to everyone.

Dally woke up about 7 hours later. It was almost midnight and he wasn't sure where he was. He looked around, and slowly, as his eyes adjusted, he realized he was in Soda's room. Then he remembered lying down for a minute after he changed into the dry clothes Darry had given him. I must've fallen asleep, he thought. Soda usually slept in Pony's room anyway, so it didn't matter that he had taken the bed. His stomach growled. A clap of thunder, loud as a gun shot made him jump. His first instinct was to go see if Johnny was sleeping in the living room. Johnny was not terribly fond of thunderstorms and many times, if Dally was around, he would go and sit with Johnny until it passed. Dally loved thunderstorms. It was one of the few things in nature that he actually took great pleasure in observing, though he would never admit it to anyone. But Johnny hated them, and Dally could tell. So he always made a point to be around Johnny if he could when there was one.

But then he remembered... Johnny wasn't in the living room. Dally, in his groggy state, felt a surge of what he could only describe as mild panic. What if Johnny was all alone in a strange place and scared to death? Dont be ridiculous, he told himself. It probably isn't even raining where he is, he's so far away by now.

That thought did nothing to ease his tension. He got out of the bed and headed for the kitchen. He had to get some food. Darry had left a plate in the refrigerator for him. He got out a fork and had just sat down to eat when the phone rang. It was Friday, and it was not unusual for someone to call the Curtis house that late. What was unusual was that everyone in the house was asleep. He picked it up. "Hello?"

"Dally?"

Dally's stomach knotted. "Johnnycake? Johnny, you ok, kid?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. We had kind of a long stop here, so I thought I'd give you guys a quick call... uh... how's everybody?"

Horrible... sick... this is killing everyone. Ponyboy isn't talking to anyone, Two-bit hasn't cracked one joke all day, and I think I'm going to throw up. Again. "We're good, kid."

There was a bit of an uncomfortable pause. "Oh... good."

"So, uh... how's the trip been so far?"

"All right. It's long... "

"Yeah, I'll bet it is."

"Is Ponyboy around, or did he end up going to the movies?"

"Nah, he didn't go. He's asleep. They're all asleep. I can't believe it, man. It's Friday..."

"Yeah, wow... well, can you tell everybody I said hi? I gotta run, man, the train's gettin' ready to go."

"Sure, kid. And hey- it was good to hear from you. You take care..."

"You too, Dally."

"Johnny?"

"Yeah?"

"...Everything's gonna be fine, kid." Dally said softly. He kept the fear and pain completely out of his voice, just like Darry had told him.

There was another pause and Dally was pretty sure he heard a faint sigh of relief on the other end of the line.

"Thanks, Dal."

Dally put the phone down and stared at his food. Then he covered it up, returned it to the fridge, and went back into Soda's room to lie down.

Hours later, the morning sun broke through the clouds and streamed through Soda's window and across Dally's face. He opened his eyes and tried to process what he was feeling. Something bad had happened, but in the brief moments of haziness that occur between being asleep and awake, he couldn't quite remember what. Then it dawned on him and the painful ache intensified. He remembered the phone conversation. He looked out the window and suddenly his eyes narrowed and his jaw set. I can do this, he thought, as he stared at the sunbeams coming through the glass. I'm going to help Johnny do this...

_And I'll be on the other end to hear you when you call. _

_Angel you were born to fly, and if you get too high, _

_I'll catch you when you fall. _

_Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings, _

_I know the sky is calling, _

_Angel let me help you with your wings. _

_When you're soaring through the air, _

_I'll be your solid ground. _

_Take every chance you dare, _

_I'll still be there _

_When you come back down. _


	6. I'm Moving On

"_I'm Moving On" _by Rascal Flatts

_I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons _

_Finally content with a past I regret _

_I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness _

_For once I'm at peace with myself._

_I've been burdened with blame, _

_trapped in the past for too long, _

_I'm movin' on. _

"Johnny," he heard someone call almost the minute he stepped off the train. "Johnny, over here!"

Matt was waving from behind a crowd of people, trying to politely push his way through. Johnny hadn't seen him in about six years, but he recognized him immediately. It was like looking in a mirror, only he'd never seen Matt's expression on his own face before. His cousin was happy and calm and seemingly ready to take on the world. He was taller than Johnny, more muscular and had lighter hair, but aside from that, the two boys looked very similar, especially their eyes. Matt had big, gentle brown eyes and dark lashes. His eyes were not nearly as dark as Johnny's, but something about them looked the same. His hair was lighter, too.

When Matt finally reached him, he grabbed Johnny in a bear hug. "How have you been, kid?"

"Fine." Johnny was surprised to hear how timid and soft his own voice sounded as compared to Matt's.

"C'mon, the car's around back. Mom's making a big dinner for you. Wow, it's great to see you!" Matt rambled on and on about the farm, his parents, how everyone was so excited that Johnny was coming.

Johnny's stomach churned. A big dinner, a bunch of people... what was he doing? He wanted to go home. This was too much, too fast. He tried to steady his breathing and focus on what Matt was saying. He followed him out of the train station and into the street.

He stopped as Matt unlocked the door of a little blue Corvette convertible. Johnny's jaw dropped. "Is that yours?" he asked, a little bit of the panic subsided as he stared at the car.

Matt laughed. "Naw, it's Uncle Will's. Well, his and my dad's. They were having a mid-life or something. 'Course Will's only in his early 30's, so I don't know if he can really call it that. Anyhow, they said I should 'pick you up in style!' My car is nothing like this."

Johnny put his bag on the floor and sat down in the car. He stared at the interior. Never in his life had he ever dreamed that he would ride in a car like this.

Matt started it up and looked over at Johnny. He paused for a minute. "What's wrong?"

"Huh? N-nothing. This is a tuff car..."

Matt grinned. "You wanna drive?"

Johnny stared at him. He shook his head. "No way."

"Oh, C'mon, Will won't mind! Go ahead. Do you have your license?"

Johnny reddened and looked at his shoes. "No."

"Ah... well, we'll have to change that! Then you can take this baby all over the place!"

"Really?"

"Sure! It's kind of the family car. Even Grandma has driven it around a few times!"

The family car was a convertible Corvette. Johnny couldn't wait to write to Steve. But at the thought of one of the gang, his stomach turned again. He was completely out of his element here. He didn't even look right. His clothes weren't at all new, his hair, which was fine for back home, was very out of place here.

The whole way to the house, Johnny said very little. Matt remembered how quiet he was so he did the talking. He was good at putting people at ease...usually. He had a kind spirit and a genuine concern for anyone who needed help. It had made him a wonderful veterinarian at a fairly young age. But this situation was a little different. Johnny was really on edge and it would probably take some doing to calm him down. Matt noticed that he was hiding if fairly well, though. Years on the streets had taught Johnny how to wear a mask of indifference. He had learned to put up a facade of cool aloofness. But his eyes were an open book, which probably did him no good on the streets of Tulsa. After a little while, Matt paused and cleared his throat as though he wanted to say something but didn't quite know how. "Now, Johnny, uh..."

Johnny didn't like the how the tone had changed. He glanced cautiously at Matt.

"Grandma found out you were coming and she's back from Florida for a while. She usually lives at the house from about April till August, in fact, she'd only just left when we figured out you were coming. Anyhow, she's back and she's been fighting me on this since the beginning of last week... she wants you to stay at Mom and Dad's house."

"Why?" Johnny asked nervously.

Matt rolled his eyes good naturedly. "You really don't know how excited they all are that you're coming, do you? Mom is actually the bigger problem. She caught wind of Grandma insisting that you stay at their place and Mom loved that idea. She's not insisting like Grandma is, but, well... it's just hard to tell Mom no. They also thought it would be easier since you'd be close enough to walk to school from their place"

Johnny didn't say anything.

"Now, you can still stay with me if you want. I mean, I told you that you could, and I meant it," Matt said looking seriously at Johnny. "But I'm going to let you decide, ok? Either way, you could still work with me at the office after school, and maybe when we get you a license, you could get a car and drive to school from my place... I'm sorry Johnny, I know this is a lot of pressure to put on you. I thought they'd back down after a while."

Johnny swallowed and stared out the window.

Matt looked over at Johnny nervously. "Hey, c'mon, kid. You don't have to stay there if you don't want to. I'll tell them you're staying with me, but maybe you should see the place first, before you decide. I think you might be surprised."

Johnny sighed. "You didn't tell them, did you?" Johnny asked, remembering their secret.

"Nope. And nobody asked, which I thought was kind of weird."

The air was fresh and cool. They passed pasture after pasture of horses, split rail fences, and fields of corn and grain. Old brick houses and ancient oak trees that had witnessed the Civil War seemed to stare back at him, ready to tell him stories that he couldn't have imagined in his wildest dreams. He thought about Ponyboy and how much he would have loved to see this place. It was the kind of place he had always talked about... the country. Johnny's heart ached. He missed the gang. And he was scared. He asked himself again, was it worth it? He had gone from a place he was afraid to another place he was afraid, only now he was alone.

The beautiful scenery could not ease his fears. What have I done... he asked himself for the millionth time. And what was he going to do when they all found out that he had lied? It would come out, eventually. They all thought his parents had sent him. Only Matt knew that he had run away.


	7. New Home

The house loomed in front of him- a two story red brick federal style building with a big front porch and a wide gravel path lined with flowers. Trees dotted the landscape and a split rail fence surrounded a large pasture where a few horses nibbled on grass. Johnny felt like he'd walked onto the other side of town back home. He didn't belong here. His heart was pounding. He wanted to just grab his tattered bag and start running down the road, back to the train station. Heck, he was ready to run all the way back to Tulsa!

He climbed out of the car, not really understanding how he managed to stand up with his legs being as shaky as they were. He stared down the road at the end if the driveway from which they had come. I could make it, he thought.

But a voice obliterated the idea and nearly made him jump out of his skin. "Johnny!"

A woman had come out onto the porch and stood anxiously waving to him. She was slim, of average height, and wore a string of pearls, a blue dress that fell just below her knees and a white apron. Her dark brown hair was chin length with soft curls. She was so put together she could easily have just stepped off the cover of a magazine. She looked quite a lot like Jacqueline Kennedy, Johnny noticed. And she wasn't wearing any shoes, but that didn't stop her from hurrying down the porch steps and over to Johnny, though she did avoid the gravel path.

She stopped when she reached him and was obviously restraining herself from hugging him. She could sense his nervousness. But she couldn't hide her excitement at seeing him. Johnny wasn't sure what to do.

The woman, who he assumed was his aunt Wendy, Matt's mother, was beautiful. Johnny knew she had to be at least in her mid 40's, but she looked young. She seemed gentle and friendly, but Johnny was so overwhelmed at the moment that all he could do was stare at his feet. She reminded him of Ponyboy's mom... and a little bit of himself, as once again, she had his eyes.

"Oh! You're still just as quiet as you were when you were just a little thing! Look at you!" She put her hands on both of his arms, her eyes shining. "You've just grown right up!"

Johnny was a bit embarrassed by this, but he finally managed to look up at her and give her a weak smile. When he did, he thought he saw what he could only describe as sudden surprise and maybe a bit of confusion in her expression... a look of puzzlement. Only for a second though. Then, whatever it was, it was gone as fast as it had appeared.

"I hope you're hungry!" she said energetically as she placed her hand on Johnny's shoulder. "I fixed up a nice big supper for you!"

Johnny nodded without saying a word.

"Oh, but don't feel like you have to eat right away, if you're tired and want to lie down first, you go right ahead. We're just so glad you're finally here!" She turned to Matt, then, giving him a hug. "Hi, sweetie... how was the drive?"

"Just fine, Mom," he said as they all headed towards the house, Johnny walking in between the two of them.

"You're staying for dinner, aren't you?" Wendy asked Matt.

"Of course! You think I'm going to leave Johnny all alone with you people?" Matt was only half joking.

Wendy reached behind Johnny's back and gave Matt a playful smack on the arm. Johnny just kept looking at the grass.

They went on talking as they all climbed the porch steps. Wendy opened the door and led Johnny inside.

"Would you like to pick out your room?" Wendy asked, smiling softly at Johnny.

Johnny was staring at the chandelier hanging high above his head in the foyer. He stopped and looked at Wendy. Pick out my room? He just nodded and followed her up the stairs.

"See you in a bit, Johnny!" Matt called after him. "I'm going to go check out what's in the kitchen!"

"You stay out of the mashed potatoes until dinner, Matthew!" Wendy yelled down.

At the top of the stairs, Johnny followed Wendy down a hallway lined with photographs. She stopped at the first room and stepped inside. It was a very large room with a big mahogany four poster bed, walls covered with books and photo albums, and a fireplace!

"OK, Johnny! You can stay in this room, or..." she led him across the hall to a much smaller room. "this one. What do you think?"

Johnny surveyed the smaller room. A single bed stood next to a window that overlooked the gardens in the side yard. There was a small, simple table beside the window with a chair and a lamp. A dresser beneath a mirror stood on the wall opposite the window. It was just right. "I think I'll take this one," Johnny said softly.

Wendy looked surprised. "Are.. are you sure?"

Johnny nodded, setting his bag down on the floor.

Wendy smiled again. "Very well, then. You make yourself at home. Dinner will be ready in about half an hour. In the meantime," she looked at him very seriously then, "our home is your home, Johnny. You can go anywhere you like... I think you'll find a lot to interest you here."

And with that, she headed off to the kitchen, leaving Johnny to unpack and settle in. Johnny closed the door behind her. He sat down on the bed and opened up his bag. He took out the picture that Dally had given him and held it in his lap for a moment. A small drop of water fell on the glass frame, and then another. Johnny wiped his eyes and set the photo on the small table by the window. "I'm sorry," he said to the picture. "I really miss you guys."


	8. What Wendy Remembers

It was around 9:30 that night when Johnny heard the knock at his door. He sat bolt up-right, his heart in his throat. For a moment, he was home. The knocks were more like pounding, and the person behind the door was his father.

After a second or two, he realized the knocks were actually very soft. He also realized he was not at home, which made him feel safe and terrified and lonely all at the same time.

I must've fallen asleep, he thought. He cursed silently to himself. I never went down for dinner. I wonder if Wendy's mad... "Come in," he said hesitantly, not used to giving permission before someone entered his room.

Wendy peeked around the door. "Hi," she said as she came in and stood beside his bed. She was holding a cornbread muffin that she handed to him. "I brought you something. You were asleep when Matthew came to get you for dinner and we didn't want to bother you."

"I'm sorry," Johnny said, taking the muffin and avoiding her gaze.

"What's to be sorry about?" Wendy asked softly as she sat down beside him and touched his shoulder.

Johnny tensed and looked away. "You went to all that trouble of making dinner, and everybody came over..."

She noticed that whenever she got too close to him he seemed to shrink back or flinch a bit. She had to keep reminding herself to be more careful with him. He'd been through so much and she kept forgetting that she couldn't just run up and show him affection like she could with her son. This flooded her with guilt. She pulled her hand away, but kept her voice gentle. "Honey, it was no trouble. I make dinner every night. You were exhausted. Nobody minded that you needed some rest. You can say hello to everyone tomorrow, all right?"

Johnny glanced up at her hesitantly. He relaxed a bit as she smiled.

Wendy's insides were starting to turn to knots, but she forced a convincing smile. When she looked at him, she saw past the mask of aloofness that he wore. She saw the brokenness in his eyes, the anxiety in the way he carried himself. He had been hurt and neglected. And she knew that she was partly to blame for leaving him.

But it had to be that way, didn't it? He might not be alive right now if she had tried to take him. She had only flashes of the terrible thing that had occurred that allowed her to know this to be true. Only those brief flashes, like a dream trying to surface in the memory, reminded her that it was very dangerous to have him here. And thought she could never quite make the memory of this terrible event surface, she clearly remembered the many times she's thought about kidnapping her nephew.

Before Johnny was born there had been a terrible falling out between her younger brother Will and her older half brother Robert, who was Johnny's father. She didn't know what it was about, and Will wouldn't talk about it. The two boys had never gotten along. Wendy wondered if it had to do with the huge gap in their ages, but then Robert had always been such a bully it probably wouldn't have mattered how old Will had been. Whatever the problem was, it was bad enough that Robert had taken his wife Maria and left Virginia.

It was nearly three years before anyone heard from them again. When they did, it was Maria who had called Wendy. She told Wendy that they were living in Tulsa and that she and Robert had a son. His name was Johnny. Wendy was thrilled about the child and delighted to finally know where Robert and Maria had gone. She had always gotten along with Maria, though she didn't really trust her. And she didn't know what the woman saw in Robert. Wendy knew he treated her horribly. Wendy asked if she, Tom and Matthew could come for a visit, but Maria adamantly turned her down.

"He doesn't know you called, does he?" Wendy asked, referring to Robert.

There was a long pause. "No."

Wendy's heart sank. She had sensed a kind of fear in Maria's voice and now she knew why. It was with great disappointment that Wendy finally hung up the phone at the end of their conversation. She had hoped when she first heard the news about Johnny that the bad times would be put behind them and everything would be all right. It didn't take her long to realize the naivety of that idea. Over the next few years, Maria called sporadically. She even sent a photo of Johnny. When Wendy finally got an address and phone number out of her, she called Maria more often. Wendy always asked how Johnny was, how everyone was, and Maria would always tell her things were fine. Still, Wendy always picked up the fear in the woman's voice. Over the years, the fear turned to anger and then to resentment, and finally to apathy. None of the feelings were directed at Wendy, she could just pick them up in the general tone of Maria's voice.

Wendy grew more and more concerned about Johnny and more insistent about visiting. Robert was no longer ignorant of the fact that the two women were in contact with each other, so Maria couldn't use that as an excuse any more. And finally, one day, to Wendy's relief and surprise, Maria agreed to the visit. Johnny had been almost two the first time Maria had called. Now he was nearly five.

When they arrived at the Cade residence in Tulsa, Wendy was horrified to see the conditions the poor child was living in and Maria seemed embarrassed. Robert was hardly ever around and didn't seem to care. But Johnny was a sweet child and, though he was very shy and didn't say much, he seemed to enjoy playing with Matthew. Matthew was quite a lot older than Johnny, but he seemed to sense how important it was to spend some time with his little cousin.

Wendy knew when she looked in Johnny's eyes that he was being mistreated, though at the time, she couldn't fathom to what extent. She drove into the city every day from the place they had rented so that she could help Maria out around the house. It seemed all too soon when they had to return to Virginia to get Matthew ready for school.

They tried to visit every summer for at least a week or two, and every summer things got worse. The visits were miserable for her and Tom, but they stuck it out for Johnny, determining each time that they would somehow get Johnny out of there. The last time they came for a visit was in late winter of 1960. They came for a long weekend while Matthew was home from college. Johnny was 9, going on 10 and evidence of child abuse was blatant. He didn't make much eye contact with anyone, except for Matthew. He didn't like anyone to see the bruises on his face. Maria made up ridiculous excuses about how clumsy Johnny was and how often he would fall and hurt himself, even though Wendy didn't see him fall once the entire time they were there.

Aside from trying to justify the bruises that covered her son's body, Maria seemed completely oblivious to the fact that she even had a child. Often, she would forget to feed him. She rarely ate regular meals herself. She just snacked throughout the day and smoked the rest of the time. Wendy could see that the woman was being abused and neglected herself by Robert. She might have actually been a decent mother if it had not been for her husband. But that was too far out of Wendy's control at that point. Now the only one she might be able to help was Johnny. She tried her best to help with meals and keep Johnny fed during the all too short visits. She noticed he spent a lot of time at the Curtis house. They seemed like nice people, so she was very grateful for them. She was a little concerned about some of the other boys he hung around, but when she finally met some of them, she decided maybe they were ok. She was, however, very upset about the fact that Johnny had taken up smoking. That winter, as in most of their more recent visits, Robert would stumble in after work, get something to eat and head off to the bar. He was never friendly to Wendy or Tom and he would yell at Johnny if he was around. Robert never hit Johnny in front of Wendy, but she had no doubt it was going on behind her back. She remembered stopping by Johnny's house one evening and seeing Johnny bruised and beaten in the front yard, a small tow-headed boy standing over him and screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs at Johnny's father as he drove off in his truck. The boy had helped Johnny up and they'd run off to the Curtis' before Wendy could stop them.

Tom later confronted Robert about the incident and Robert flew into a rage at him, screaming and ranting about how Johnny belonged to him and it wasn't anyone's business how he chose to discipline his own son. Robert had forbidden them to set foot in the house after that. But that had not been the worst of it. Robert had left them with one final threat before he slammed the door... "If anybody from social services comes poking their noses around here, I'll kill that kid. You got it? He ain't worth that kind of trouble. And don't think I won't do it."

Wendy had sobbed all night. But she truly felt that Robert might actually carry out his threat. It was when she called her mother that she was sure of it.

"Mom," she had choked into the phone. "He- he actually said he would kill his own child! How could he?"

"Wendy, listen to me, " her mother's voice had been eerily serious. "You and Tom get Matthew out of there and come home. There's nothing you can do. It's going to do that poor boy more harm than good if you stay now."

But she never forgot Johnny. None of them had. Not Tom, not Matthew, not even Wendy's mother, even though she had never actually met Johnny. She'd seen the photo that Maria had sent and since that day she had always encouraged Wendy to go on the visits to Tulsa. She couldn't go herself, as Robert no longer wished to see her. Wendy didn't understand that anymore than she understood the bad blood between Robert and Will, but no one seemed to want to explain anything.

Wendy knew that Matthew had been writing to Johnny for a long time. She encouraged the correspondence and even went so far as to make suggestions to Matthew about what to write to entice Johnny to want to visit. She hoped beyond all hope that one day, Robert and Maria would let Johnny come to Virginia. Or, that he would just come whether they knew it or not.

And now here he was, sitting beside her, safe and sound, but still a very frightened boy. Oh, sure... he came right off the city streets and could probably hold his own. Someone, who didn't know him might see a dangerous hoodlum, but not Wendy. She saw the frightened boy. She hated to think about the damage that had already been done, but she knew she would try her best to repair as much of it as she could. She didn't know how she would start, or even why she felt so strongly about it, but one look in those huge, frightened black eyes, and she was committed to making sure that Johnny would never live in fear or poverty again.

Safe and sound, she told herself again. And though she said it with silent conviction, somewhere deep inside her subconscious, a small voice kept asking... _what have you done_?


	9. Trying to Trust

Wendy watched as Johnny cautiously took a bite of the cornbread muffin. He looked hesitant to eat in front of her, but he also looked like he was pretty hungry. Keeping her distance, she tried to interact with him again. "Matthew is sleeping in the room right across the hall if you need anything. Tom and I are in the room right next to him, and Grandma is in the guest room downstairs."

Johnny remained silent.

"You can meet Grandma and your Uncle Will tomorrow..." She noticed the picture on the table. "May I see this?" she asked pointing at it.

Johnny looked somewhat embarrassed and nodded. Wendy picked it up and studied it. "Ah... these are your friends, the ones from Tulsa!"

Johnny looked up.

A little connection... there's a start. Wendy looked hard at the picture. She wrinkled her brow. "Hmm... well, there's you! That one I know!" she laughed a little and glanced at Johnny. She had his attention. "And... hmm... this one," she pointed to the smallest boy in the picture. "This one had a very unusual name..."

Johnny nodded and smiled just a little.

Wendy's heart soared. She hoped she could remember the boy's name. "Something to do with horses...Ponyboy! That's it, isn't it?"

"Yep, that's Ponyboy!" Johnny brightened just a little.

Wendy's smile broadened. " He's your closest friend... I remember him the most. Now... his brother had an interesting name too... Cola? Pepsi?"

Johnny actually laughed, just a little. "Sodapop," Johnny corrected.

Wendy felt she was making a little progress with him. "How could I have forgotten that? And this one... he's the oldest brother, right?"

"Uh huh. That's Darry."

"Darry. That's right. They have wonderful parents. How are they doing?"

Johnny went white.

Wendy's heart sank as she realized that she'd somehow said something wrong.

"They... They're dead."

Wendy drew in a sharp breath.

"They were killed in a car wreck a while ago."

"Oh, Johnny...I'm so sorry. I... I had no idea." Wendy's mind raced with horrified thoughts. How had the Curtis brothers survived such a tragedy? What did Johnny do after they were gone? "The brothers... are they..."

Johnny shrugged. "They're still together. Darry got left in charge, and as long as they stay out of trouble, they get to stay together."

Wendy nodded. Johnny seemed sad, but not upset with her for bringing it up. He also seemed like he would rather not talk about it.

She thought for a minute. "We'll have to put those boys on a train sometime and bring them up here for a visit. They could probably use a vacation. Would you like that?"

Johnny looked at her in surprise, his eyes widening. "Really?"

"Of course! Your friends are welcome here anytime." Wendy said. She decided to try to talk with him a little more about the picture. "Now this one- this one I do remember. Two-Bit. Oh, he was a character. He made me laugh!"

Johnny grinned a little.

"But these two I don't remember," she said.

"Well, that's Steve," Johnny said pointing him out in the photo. "He's Soda's best friend. And that's Dally-uh, Dallas. He's..." Johnny hesitated a bit. "He can be tough, but he's cool once you get to know him. He gave me this picture."

"Oh! That was sweet of him!" Wendy said, smiling.

Johnny looked at her a little funny. Wendy figured no one had ever referred to Dallas as "sweet" before. He was the boy she'd seen standing over Johnny the day that Robert had beaten him. Wendy studied the photo. Dally looked like the most dangerous of all. But when she looked hard enough, she could see through him too, just like she could see past Johnny's cool facade. Wendy was perceptive that way. Although, Johnny was much easier to read than Dallas.

"Well, Johnny, you're probably very hungry and..." she softened her voice, "you probably miss your friends very much."

Johnny just looked down at the bed he was sitting on.

"Would you like to talk to them?"

Johnny's head shot up. "Wha- you mean... right now?"

"Well of course!" She gave him a playful scolding look and added, "Just because we live out in the country doesn't mean we don't have a phone!"

"But.. it's long distance..."

Wendy just shook her head and smiled at him. "C'mon, sweetie. Let's go get you something to eat and show you were the phone is."

Johnny followed her out of the room in awe. She was so kind to him, so motherly. Aunt Wendy reminded him an awful lot of Ponyboy's mom... His heart ached when he remembered the Curtis' parents. He followed Wendy out of the room and down the stairs.

Wendy pulled a plate of food out of the refrigerator and set it on the table.

Johnny looked up at her hesitantly. "Are you sure nobody's mad that I didn't come down to dinner?"

Wendy's eyes widened. She came over and gently put her hands on his shoulders. "Johnny, no!" she said shaking her head. "Of course not. You were so tired." She smiled sheepishly, then. "If anything, they got after me a little for making a big production your first night here. I probably should have kept things a little more low-key."

Johnny didn't know how to respond.

Wendy just smiled at him. "Help yourself to anything you'd like. There's the phone, right over there. Everyone's gone off to bed, so no one will bother you." She untied her apron and hung it over a chair. "I'll see you in the morning. " She stepped towards Johnny out of reflex. She had always given Matthew a good night kiss on the forehead or cheek, but she caught herself. "Good night," she smiled and headed off towards the stairs. But then she stopped, remembering something. "Oh, Johnny? You should call your parents, too. Just to let them know you made it here."

Johnny froze. He had to physically remind himself to breathe. "Uh...ok. No one called them yet, did they?"

"No," Wendy said, noting Johnny's nervous reaction. She had wondered... now she was almost certain. She paused, debating whether or not to confront him. "Johnny, can I ask you something?"

Johnny looked like a deer caught in headlights.

Wendy sat down at the table. She pulled out a chair and motioned for Johnny to sit.

Hesitantly, he did.

She got right to the point. "Johnny, do your parents know you're here?"

Johnny's stomach went cold. He looked pleadingly at Wendy. Finally, he shook his head and stared at the floor. This is it, he thought sullenly. I'll be on the train back home tomorrow. Why can't I just lie like Dally or Two-Bit, he wondered.

Wendy reached out and squeezed his hand. "Good. We'll just keep that our little secret then."

Johnny's head shot up and he stared at Wendy, shocked.

Wendy stood then and leaned over and kissed his forehead. Johnny was still too surprised to even think of backing away from her touch. "You forget, sweetheart," she whispered. "I lived with him once, too."

And with that, she headed off to bed, leaving Johnny stunned at the kitchen table.

It took Johnny a full minute to remember why he was even in the kitchen in the first place. He stood slowly and went over to the phone, still staring off in the direction Wendy had gone.


	10. A Deeper Shade of Blue

**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Outsiders or "My World is Over" by Kenny Rogers

_"I didn't look over my shoulder. _

_I wasn't ready for this. _

_I didn't see the size of the horizon. _

_I was so sure that you would never leave, _

_But you did. _

_So sweep away the sand and dry the ocean. _

_And just pack the moon and stars up in a cardboard box. _

_Stop the clocks from chiming. _

_Block the sun from shining, _

_And paint the sky a deeper shade of blue._

_'Cause my world's over without you."_

Dally walked slowly down the street, squinting in the late afternoon sun. He had gone to a party at Buck's the night before and caught up on some much needed sleep afterwards. The party had been more of the same- lots of drinking, one night stands, loud music, and fights. He figured he must've been pretty tired, he really hadn't enjoyed himself that much. He usually participated in all of the "activities" that Buck's parties had to offer, but last night he had sneaked up to his room around midnight and fallen asleep.

Dally sighed. He didn't really know where he was going, but he'd had enough of Buck's place for a while. For whatever reason, nothing about Buck's was appealing to him at the moment. In fact, nothing about Tulsa was appealing to him. For the past few days he'd wandered around aimlessly, not finding much of anything to do. He didn't feel like hunting up trouble like he usually did. He just felt...empty.

He had been to the Dingo a few times, back and forth to Buck's, and he'd walked by Tim Shephard's place once but didn't stop. He didn't feel like talking to anyone. He hadn't been to the Curtis place at all since the day Johnny left. He knew they were probably all starting to wonder where he was, even though it had only been a few days. He knew if he waited much longer to make his appearance, he'd get the stupid questions the minute he walked in the door: "Where ya been, Dally?" "What's wrong with you, Dally?" "Were you in jail again, Dally?" etc.. So, with a sigh, he turned down the street towards their house. He didn't have anything better to do to occupy his time.

As he got closer to the house, he spotted Ponyboy sitting alone in the lot. He felt a twinge of sadness for the kid. He'd been so miserable since Johnny left. Everyone had, but Ponyboy was taking it especially hard.

Dally walked over to him and sat down. Ponyboy just stared at the ground. Dally took a long drag on his cigarette and looked at the sky.

"So what's new, kid?" he asked calmly, not really expecting much of an answer.

Pony paused for a moment and then looked at Dally. "Not much," he shrugged.

Dally nodded.

There was a long silence. They both just sat there looking at the clouds.

"Ain't it about dinner time at your house?" Dally asked. He was getting a bit hungry.

"Yeah," Ponyboy scowled at the mention of dinner. "I ain't eatin'."

"Huh?"

"Darry sent me to my room without dinner," Ponyboy said angrily. He started pushing dirt around with a stick. "I got a D on my math test 'cause I didn't study. I swear, he just can't stand me. He'd send me straight to a boys home, if not for Soda-"

"Hey, kid! Don't talk like that." Dally scolded him. Then he softened his tone a bit. "Darry's tough on you because he wants you to be able to get out of this dump. You know that."

Ponyboy didn't respond. He just kept staring at the ground with the scowl on his face.

Dally stomach turned a bit. A memory flashed in his mind of Johnny and how Dally would find him out in the lot every so often just sitting by himself, not doing anything in particular but being away from his house. He, of course, never looked angry like Ponyboy did right now, but Dally knew Pony well enough to see the hurt behind his eyes. He felt a sudden surge of protectiveness for the younger boy. This surprised him. "You've only been back to school for what- a week? Two weeks?Why didn't you study?"

Pony swallowed. His voice was quiet, and when he answered there was a catch in his throat. "I don't know. I couldn't concentrate. I ended up writing a letter to Johnny. Then he called and I talked with him a while... And then the next night I called him and talked to him for about an hour. Darry's pissed about that too. He's worried about the phone bill."

Dally sat up a bit. "You talked to Johnny? How's he doin'?"

Ponyboy shrugged and poked at the dirt again. "Ok, I guess. He's stayin' in a real nice place and I guess everybody's nice to him...He really liked his Aunt Wendy, but his grandmother's kind of funny..I don't know. He just sounds kind of sad."

"Funny? Funny like Two-bit?"

"Huh?"

"The grandmother... you said she was funny."

"Oh. No, I think funny like... weird. She's makin' him start school out there and I don't know. He says she just... looks at him funny all the time. She's just weird."

Dally chewed at his lower lip. He wasn't sure he liked that. But he wasn't really getting enough information. He started to take in the rest of what Ponyboy had said. Johnny was sad. He certainly didn't like that.

But it's only been a few days, he thought. He just needs some time to adjust. That didn't make him feel any better. He wished that he had gotten to talk to Johnny. He berated himself for not showing up at the Curtis' more after Johnny left. He should have thought that Johnny would call.

Dally stood up suddenly.

"Look, I'm gonna go get some food. I'd drag you along, but your brother would kick my head in. I'm assuming you climbed out your window and he doesn't know you're out here?"

Pony nodded.

Dally smirked. "That's what I thought. All right. Go on back inside," Dally took a final drag on his cigarette before crushing it out on the ground. "I'll come around to your window in about half an hour. I'll bring you a burger."

Ponyboy brightened a little and looked at Dally, surprised. "Thanks, Dal!"

As Pony stood, Dally got closer and pointed his finger at him somewhat threateningly. "You better get some work done tonight. And if you let on to Superman that I'm doin' this for you, I will beat the tar outta you, you got me?"

Pony nodded and ran off towards the back of the house.

Dally watched him go. He shook his head and headed off towards The Dingo to find something to eat. He was suddenly not as hungry as he was before. He needed to talk to Johnny.


	11. Talking to Johnny

True to his word, Dally showed up in about a half hour with a cheeseburger and a half melted (and half emptied) milkshake. He gave a soft tap on Pony's window.

Ponyboy opened the window and reached out eagerly for the food.

Dally drew back, just out of his reach. "You studyin'?"

"Yeah, I'm studyin'! Told you I would! C'mon, Dal, I'm starved!"

Dally handed him the food.

"Thanks," Ponyboy said with a small grin.

Dally stood there for a moment. He ran his hand through his hair and looked casually back at the trees in the side yard. "So, uh... you think Johnny might call tonight?"

Ponyboy nodded, his mouth full of food. "Yeah, I think he probably will. He said he would."

"Well, maybe I'll stick around then and talk to the kid...see how he's doing."

"Yeah, stick around! Make sure Darry lets me talk to him. He probably won't even let me outta my room."

"He'll let you talk to him. He'll let you because it's Johnny, man. You know he will."

Ponyboy looked doubtful and took another bite of the cheeseburger.

Dally lit up a cigarette and started walking around to the front of the house. "You get on back to work now, kid. And DON'T let Darry find the food wrappers!"

"All right, Dally." Pony said and closed up his window.

Dally walked up the front steps of the porch and sauntered into the living room, taking a seat on the sofa near Soda who was glued to the TV set. Two-Bit was seated on the floor with a beer.

"Hey, Dal." Soda greeted him quietly without looking away.

Two-Bit glanced up and nodded.

Whoa, everybody's so bright and cheery, Dally thought sarcastically.

"Dally," Darry called from the kitchen. "Come in here a minute, I want to talk to you."

Dally swore to himself. How did Darry catch him bringing Ponyboy food? He slouched a little as he walked, trying to look bored. He really just felt uncomfortable. He wasn't so concerned about Darry's reaction to the fact that he had sneaked Ponyboy some food, but the fact that he had been caught doing something... out of character.

"What's going on, Darry?" Dally took a long drag on his cigarette.

Darry glared at him.

Great, Dally thought. He's madder than I thought. But then an idea struck him and he immediately put his cigarette out in the sink.

Darry's expression softened and he went back to drying dishes

Whew. That's what he was mad at, Dally thought as he remembered that Darry was not fond of cigarettes in the house.

"What did you want to talk to me about?"

Darry glanced into the living room to make sure Soda was still watching TV. "I want to talk to you about Ponyboy. He's... he's taking this whole thing really hard, you know, Johnny being gone. He's not using his head and I'm getting worried about him walking home from school by himself."

"I thought Two-Bit drove him home."

"Not all the time, he has track and sometimes he stays after- I've been pushing him to get extra help with math this year. Look, I know you got other stuff to do, but do you think you could kind of... keep an eye on him once in a while when he walks home late?"

"I ain't no babysitter, man," Dally scowled, leaning against the counter.

"I know, Dally. I don't mean forever, just sometimes... just till he snaps out of this mood, the other guys are keeping an eye on him too, but with Soda and me working all the time..." Darry ran his hand through his hair, his brow wrinkled in frustration. "I just don't know what to do with him. He doesn't think! It takes him forever to walk home because he just starts wandering! A couple days ago Steve found him sitting outside the Dingo way past the time he was supposed to be home. And a couple Socs cornered him the day before, but Two-Bit showed up just in time. He's not concentrating on his work... I just don't know what to do with him!"

"Darry, look man, he's just messed up about... Johnny," Dally couldn't believe he was having to rationalize a situation to Darry that he himself had not even yet begun to accept. "You gotta lay off him a little."

Darry put the dish rag down and pulled out a chair at the kitchen table. He sat down and put his head in his hands. He let out a weak laugh as Dally sat down across from him. "That kid..." he shook his head. "Johnny, I mean. Look at us! We're all falling apart."

Dally didn't respond. He swallowed nervously and started sullenly at his feet. He hated to hear it, but he knew it was true. They were all falling apart. He had felt it as he walked in the door. He had known it when he saw Pony's eyes. Not a joke from Two-bit, barely a hello from Soda. And now even Darry was faltering.

"I'll help keep an eye on him." Dally said finally.

Darry looked up. "Huh?"

"Ponyboy. You asked me to look out for him, I'll look out for him. Just till he... starts using his head again."

Darry let out a sigh. "That would really help me out."

Dally stood and headed for the door. He had to get out.

But then the phone rang, and it was like a bomb had gone off.

Ponyboy came flying out of his room, the door making a loud bang as it hit the wall. Two-Bit and Soda came running into the kitchen, tripping over each other, pushing past Dally, and all three of them lunged for the phone at the same time. They were intercepted by Darry who got there first. Two-Bit had fallen flat on his face, Soda was pulling at Darry's arm and Ponyboy was jumping up and down, reaching for the phone.

"Hello?" Darry said and then a grin spread across his face. "Hang on." The grin disappeared as he placed the phone to his chest and glared daggers at the three boys swarming around him. He pointed towards the living room and annunciated each word very carefully. "GO. WAIT. YOUR. TURNS!" Pony, Two-Bit and Soda stalked off to the living room, and Dally watched as they all flopped onto the couch and moped.

Darry put he phone back to his ear, smiling again. "We got a lot of people here who are anxious to talk to you, Johnnycake. How long can you be on the phone?...Really? You sure?"

Dally stood off to the side of the kitchen, his stomach knotting as Darry talked. He wanted to rip the phone out of his hand. Fortunately, he had a lot more control than the 3 Stooges in the living room.

"Listen, I'm going to hand you over to the first in line, ok? Great talking to you kid." And with that, he handed the phone to Dally and went to join the boys in the living room.

Dally put the phone to his ear. "Johnny? How ya been, kid?"

"Hey, Dally! I'm all right. I really miss you guys..." Dally could hear the sadness in his voice, just like Ponyboy had said. He felt something heavy in his chest at the sound of the small voice so far away.

Dally was able to talk with Johnny for only a few minutes before Darry could no longer hold back the other boys. Steve had shown up by this time and they all kept coming into the kitchen and standing around, waiting. Eventually, one would start complaining that it was his turn next. Then someone tried to _take_ the phone.

Dally put the phone down for a second, "Back off!" he growled angrily. But it had no effect. He wasn't used to people just ignoring his orders. Either he had lost his touch or the boys just really wanted to talk to Johnny.

Finally, he couldn't take any more of the whining from the boys. He had so many things he wanted to ask Johnny, but he couldn't concentrate with all the noise. And getting any real information out of Johnny took careful listening which he absolutely could not do here. "All right, look, kid, I'll talk to you again soon, ok? I gotta go 'cause if I stay here much longer I'm gonna have to KICK SOMEONE'S HEAD IN!" Dally yelled the last part away from the receiver and glared at the rest of the gang.

He said his goodbyes to Johnny and shoved the phone at Ponyboy. He smacked Soda across the head and slugged Two-Bit in the arm on his way out of the kitchen.

There was some swearing and yelling, but none of them dared retaliate. Besides, they were too busy trying to get the phone away from Ponyboy.

Dally stalked off to the porch. He leaned on the railing and lit another cigarette.

Darry suddenly appeared beside him, almost making him jump.

Dally said nothing, but he could feel Darry's eyes on him. He wanted to run off the porch, go back to Buck's, anywhere, but something inside him made him stay.

After what seemed like an eternity, Darry spoke. "He's all right, Dally."

Dally shook his head. He had not had enough time on the phone with the kid to come to that conclusion. "No... no, man, I don't think he is." Dally started pacing. "His voice- I can hear it in his voice... you know how he gets. What if he does something..." Dally's voice trailed off, unable to finish the thought.

But Darry knew what he was thinking. Johnny had alluded to thoughts of suicide in the past and, however serious or figurative he'd been about the possibility, it had never sat well with anyone in the gang. "This is different, Dally. He's just homesick. He'll adjust-"

Dally turned towards him, his eyes blazing. "You don't know that! You can't tell what he's thinking! And if he's not ok, we could never get there in time!" Dally whirled around and stormed off the porch, an idea brewing in his mind, a fear welling in his chest. A thought he couldn't ignore was now driving his steps.


	12. Dally's Plan

Over a month had passed since the day Johnny left. Dally had come so close to hopping on a train that night he had spoken to him on the phone. Had he not made a promise to Darry to keep an eye on Ponyboy, he would have.

Ever since he had taken on the role of Ponyboy's temporary guardian, he felt tied to the kid somehow. Like he had a responsibility. He couldn't explain it, but he felt a need to protect him. Pony's best friend had left, and his brothers were working so much that he hardly ever saw them. All he did was study and every time he turned his back or tried to do something fun, the Socs would go after him.

Dally had done his best to look out for him, and he was really good at getting after Pony when he wasn't getting his work done. Ponyboy would listen to him. Everybody listened to Dallas Winston.

And after a while, Ponyboy made a visible improvement in terms of "using his head". He was more focused on his work and he came right home after school or track practice, just like Darry had wanted.

Dally had even talked Two-Bit into going to watch Ponyboy run in a track meet one evening when Darry and Soda had both been working. Since that day, Pony had really perked up. Granted, Dally and Two-Bit had spent more time under the bleachers with a couple of greasy girls they had picked up, but the fact that they had been there at all had meant a lot to Ponyboy.

But all along, Dally continued to worry about Johnny. Johnny would call, that scared and lonely tone hidden in his voice so that only Ponyboy and Dally noticed, and Dally would be ready to jump on the train again. He just couldn't fight off the nagging feeling that something wasn't right. And he was starting to wonder if it was something more than loneliness. It didn't help that there was no way for him to really talk to the kid. Trying to "share" phone time at the Curtis house was like trying to eat a banana in a cage full of hungry monkeys. One night he actually got around to asking Johnny if anything was wrong. He caught the slight hesitation before Johnny answered. "No, I'm all right."

Dally didn't believe him. He was convinced that something strange was going on or something bad was going to happen, or maybe both.

And then the nightmares started. At first, it was just once in a while, but now he was having them every night. He hardly slept and they were getting worse and worse. They were never exactly the same, but the dreams all had a connection. His world and his friends were falling apart. One night he decided he was just going to stay awake. That lasted all of half an hour. He eventually fell into a long, restless, uneasy sleep that was tormented with dreams of pain and death.

He saw Johnny's sad eyes..."I can't take much more of this..." And he was always scared of something, but Dally never knew what, but whatever it was scared him, too. Someone was always watching from a dark corner... a face he could almost make out, but not quite. And in his dream Ponyboy was dying, the gang was falling apart, and Johnny... Johnny was gone. Over and over again, Dally would grab hold of his arm and he would just be swept away- or pulled away by something or someone... sometimes in a plume of fire or smoke. Like all the dreams before, he would hear the words "Johnny's dead..." and something in him would die. His whole world was crumbling...burning... smoke... ashes... flames... BANG!

"Johnny!" he sat up in bed, gasping for air. He was always jolted awake at the end of the dream. This time it was thunder.

He blinked in surprise. It was light outside. He had slept through part of the day. He was drenched in sweat and shaking. He clenched his eyes shut, trying to let go of the intense despair that always followed the dreams.

The rain poured down outside, and he watched it.

It wasn't real, he kept repeating to himself. None of that happened.

But he couldn't ignore that some of the dream was, in an abstract sense, actually happening all around him. He cursed silently to himself and got out of bed. He paced back and forth in the small room a few times, still trying to steady his breathing and shake off the lingering feelings of the dream. Eventually, he wandered downstairs and borrowed the T-Bird from Buck to go pick up Ponyboy at school.

He arrived in the parking lot about 20 minutes before classes got out. On any other day, had he arrived this early, he might have gone up to the windows and looked in to see if he could find the classroom Ponyboy was in. He would have had fun distracting the students, winking at the girls or making obscene gestures at the Socs. But today he just sat, his mind busy formulating a plan for the rest of the evening. He had come to a decision. He had done what he'd promised. Now he had someone else who needed him. He had to go to Virginia.

Ponyboy spotted the car immediately as he left the school building. He brightened visibly upon seeing Dally.

Dally groaned inwardly. When had he become a big brother to another lost soul? He shook his head as Pony approached, somewhat disgusted with himself for having turned a bit soft.

Ponyboy opened the passenger door and climbed in. "Hey, Dally."

Dally nodded and lit up a cigarette and started the car.

"Hey, you wanna go down to the Dingo before we go home?" Ponyboy barely paused before continuing. "Our track team is doin' pretty well, I think we might win the championship meet. We might even make it to the State Finals."

Dally kept his eyes on the road and took a drag on his cigarette. He felt a responsibility to Ponyboy, but he could be very clingy. It sometimes drove Dally nuts, and he would find himself snapping at the kid without really meaning to. He knew Ponyboy was just really lonely. Dally was so used to Johnny who, as needy as he was, hardly said a word and just followed beside him, no more obvious than his own shadow.

"But I don't think Darry or Soda will get to watch it if we do," Pony was still going on, obviously testing the waters to see if he could convince Dally to come to another track meet. "They've been working way too much lately. They haven't been around much."

"I think Soda's going to go to your next meet." Dally interjected. He had noticed that Soda had been somewhat edgy, almost angry around him. This had started after Dally had gone to the track meet that Soda couldn't make it to. Ponyboy had gone on and on about Dally and Two-bit being there and what a good time they had. Dally hadn't really had much fun (at least not when he'd actually been watching the meet), but in Pony's mind, they were becoming good buddies. Soda and Ponyboy were so close, and now Pony was starting to act like Dally was his brother. And this was bothering Soda something fierce. That had done it for Dally. That was when his decision to go to Virginia had started to take root. He wasn't going to leave for good or anything. He was definitely going to come back. He had to. He couldn't leave the gang, not now, not after they had just lost Johnny. As strange as it seemed, the gang needed him and he knew it. They were a family. They each had roles and places within the family, but he was falling into a role that didn't belong to him. Ponyboy was Soda's little brother, not his. Leaving for a little while would be good.

Ponyboy looked at Dally for a minute. Dally avoided his gaze, not really sure he liked where this conversation was headed. "Well, even if Soda comes, you wanna come watch the meet too?"

Dally cringed inwardly. Just tell him, he thought to himself. "Look, kid, I would but..." Ponyboy didn't outwardly show it, but Dally could tell he was really disappointed. "Listen, I need you to keep a secret for me."

Ponyboy looked up curiously. "Sure, Dal. What?"

Dally paused. "I'm going to see Johnny."

"What?! When? How are you-"

"Shh! Don't tell anyone-" he didn't know why he wanted Ponyboy to stay quiet while they were in the car. Who would hear them? He didn't want anyone knowing he was going until he arrived in Virginia. He didn't want Johnny expecting him in case he decided to turn around and come home. He just wanted to go, and he would decide what to do when he got there.

"Are you coming back?" Ponyboy looked at him desperately.

"Yeah! Yeah, I'm coming back!" Dally said annoyed. "I just have to check on him, you know? He doesn't sound like he's doing so good. I'm gonna drag his ass back here if they're not treating him right out there."

"You're gonna bring him back?"

"I don't know. Look, DON'T tell anyone! At least not till I'm gone a few days." Dally was starting to wonder if he should have even opened his mouth, but he figured it would be mean to let the gang worry about him and Johnny too. He pulled into the Curtis driveway and stopped the car, but he didn't shut it off. He turned and looked Ponyboy square in the eye. "You have to promise me something."

"What?"

"While I'm gone, you gotta look out for yourself somehow. I don't want to be hearing about how you got your head kicked in by some Socs because you walked too close to the wrong side of town, or that you're failing classes because you're not studying."

Ponyboy made a face.

"Look, I'm serious, man." Dally was using his I-mean-business voice. A voice no one dared ignore. "You been doin' your work and going home when you're supposed to... you gotta keep that up even when I'm not around. If you guys make it to the State Finals, I'll come back in time for that, but you gotta make sure that you keep your head out of the clouds while I'm gone. Deal?"

"Ok"

"Oh, and another thing," Dally couldn't believe he was about to say this, but he really felt it needed to be said, he wasn't sure why. "Hang out with Sodapop once in a while. He needs you."


	13. Missing Home

Johnny walked up the stone driveway slowly taking in all the sights and smells of autumn in Virginia. The leaves were a deep gold color and the air had turned cool. He smelled something baking in the house. There was something truly wonderful about this place. Everyone was nice to him and tried to make him feel at home. He enjoyed working at Matt's clinic, Wendy and Tom were like real parents to him and he especially liked going riding with his Uncle Will, whether it be on the horses he cared for or in the Corvette. And there were animals everywhere. Cats, dogs, horses, chickens, all rescued from some sad situation, kind of like him. The place was full of love. He couldn't figure out what it was that made him uneasy here.

It wasn't all the time. Most days he was able to find little moments of contentment and even joy. But every now and then, something just felt wrong. Especially at night when it was so quiet and he was all alone in his room. He assumed it was the fact that he was painfully homesick and desperately missed the gang. They were the only real family he had known for so long. And he knew very well that he had hurt a lot of people when he had left. He could tell they were sad when he talked to them on the phone and he always felt bad about that. He tried to sound like he was happy here. He didn't want to upset them any more than he already had, but it was hard. He could usually pull it off for the first few minutes, but the longer he talked to them, the more he missed them all. And when Darry or Dally got on the phone, there was something in him that desperately wanted to say, "Come get me".

Johnny heard a thumping sound and looked up to see two big black eyes peering at him through the screen door. Johnny grinned. "Hey, Coal..." he opened the door and a timid, lanky black puppy stumbled out of the house and leaned shyly up against him. Coal was an abuse case from a city several miles away. He had been brought to Matt's clinic by some people who had rescued him. He was half dead from starvation and terrified of human beings. Johnny was the only one who could get near him without him crying. There were dozens of critters wandering the property, in the house and out, and Johnny loved them all. But Coal was his dog. From the first day he saw him, he knew that was his dog.

Johnny went inside and said hello to Grandma Cade and went upstairs. Grandma returned his greeting warmly without looking up. She was in her rocking chair in the parlor, hunched over trying to untangle a wad of yarn while a scruffy looking orange kitten swatted at the dangling ends. Grandma Cade had been knitting something for the past few days and, to Johnny's relief, she had been completely absorbed in her work. It wasn't that she wasn't nice, she was just...strict. She reminded him a bit of how Darry was with Ponyboy, always making sure he got his work done, brought home good grades, ate all his vegetables, etc... She made him nervous. And strangely enough, he sensed that something about him made her nervous, too. He couldn't fathom what.

Right now, though, he had other things on his mind. As he had gotten more comfortable with his surroundings, he had started to do a little exploring. Wendy had told him the he could have the run of the house and nothing was off limits to him. Slowly, he was starting to feel at ease with that. And yesterday, something in the bigger bedroom, one of the two Wendy had offered him (he had chosen the smaller one) had piqued his curiosity. Coal followed close at his heels as he entered the big room and pulled some books off the shelf. They were photo albums. Pictures of his past. Well, not his past, exactly. He wasn't in any of the photos, just people in his family. Johnny sat down on the bed with the books and opened them up. There were pictures of Wendy and Tom and Matt when he was really little. There were a few photos of Grandma Cade and some of his Uncle Will. And there were, of course, pictures of his parents. He found these pictures a little disturbing. He felt a sense of hurt when he looked at them. He wondered if they cared that he was gone. Or if they had even noticed.

It was strange to see them so young. His father looked much more fit and his mother had apparently, at one time, been a very beautiful woman. Johnny moved on to another book, one with much older photos. There were pictures of Grandma Cade when she was younger and there were a few pictures of Grandpa Cade. He had passed away a long time ago, that Johnny knew, but he didn't know anything else about his grandfather. And there were pictures of another man in the book that Johnny didn't recognize. A mean looking man that reminded him of his father. Perhaps a great uncle? He wasn't sure. But he knew he didn't like him. It was something about the eyes...pale and cold like his father's. The picture actually frightened him enough to have to close the book and move on to a new one. As he started to flip through the third book, a picture fell out onto the floor of a very young child. He picked it up and was so absorbed in it that he didn't notice Coal starting to whine. He looked closer at the child. At first, he thought he had actually found a photo of himself, but upon closer inspection, he realized it was not.

"Johnny."

The voice made him draw in a quick breath. Grandma Cade stood in the doorway with a disapproving look on her face. Coal crawled under the bed. "S-sorry. I was just-"

Grandma Cade's face softened. "Here, let me help you with those," she said picking up the albums and putting them back on the shelf. "I just finished making a batch of cookies. I thought you might like a snack when you got home this afternoon. I thought it might help you study better before dinner. You can't study very well on an empty stomach, now can you?"

Johnny shook his head.

"Would you like to come downstairs and have some?"

Johnny shrugged. "Sure," he said as he got up to follow her.

She stopped in the doorway and turned around. "You can come with us, Coal. I'm sure we can find something that you'd like, too."

But of course, Coal just peered at them from beneath the bed ruffle. He would come out when he felt good and ready, Johnny knew. Grandma continued through the hallway and down the stairs. "I declare, you certainly have a way with that pup. He's taken a liking to you like no one else."

In the kitchen, Johnny took a seat at the table while his grandmother went about getting him a proper place setting before serving him a cookie. He had started to get used to her mannerisms. She liked to wait on people. She loved to feed people. And Johnny really couldn't complain about being fed. He was suddenly starting to realize how truly unhealthy he had been. He felt so much better now. He was getting plenty of food and more rest than he'd ever had. He was fairly sure this was contributing to the improvement in his school work. He was actually getting fairly decent grades. The first few weeks had been difficult. He had felt horribly out of place and very uncomfortable. Wendy had gotten him some new clothes, but he wished she had suggested that he do something with his hair. There weren't greasers here. Fortunately, there weren't socs either. And Wendy was not one to tell Johnny how to look. So he had finally ended up going on his own for a hair cut one day. Part of him felt relieved to look a little more like everyone else, and part of him felt like he had just thrown his identity right out the window and worse yet, betrayed his gang. He started thinking about them again. He missed them all so much. He thought about calling them after dinner, but every time he talked to them on the phone, he felt more and more sad...

Grandma set a tall glass of milk in front of him, interrupting his thoughts. "What's on your mind?" she asked.

He looked up quickly, not realizing that he'd been kind of staring off into space. "Uh.. oh, nothing," he lied. He didn't want to talk about the gang right now. It was too hard. So instead, he asked her a question. "Um...who's that old guy in the photo albums? Not Grandpa Cade, but the one who looks really mad. Who is that?" The moment he asked, he wished he hadn't. An eerie silence filled the room.

Grandma Cade looked deeply concerned all of a sudden. But not surprised. She didn't look surprised one bit, as though she had wondered all along how long it would be before Johnny asked that question. It was a while before she answered. A long uncomfortable quiet during which Johnny continued to wished with all his might that he had asked her any question but that one. "That was Charles Hamilton... my first husband."

Johnny just looked at her for a moment. He didn't know how to respond. "Oh," he said finally, as though she had just told him one of the ingredients in the cookie he was eating. She waited as though she expected him to ask something else, but he didn't. He was done questioning her for the moment.

And that night was the first night that he saw it. He'd been uneasy in the house since he'd arrived, and he always chalked it up to needing to adjust. But after that night, he was downright scared. It had happened around midnight. Johnny awoke from a deep sleep. He wasn't sure what woke him, but something had. Coal was not at the foot of his bed like usual. A strong wind blew the curtains on his window, and the leaves in the trees rustled outside. Johnny shivered and got up to close the window. When he turned back to get into bed, he looked down and saw a little black tail sticking out from under the bed. "Coal," he said and started to reach down. But something caught his eye. Someone was standing in his door way. He looked up and froze. Standing not ten feet from him was the ghostly figure of the child he saw in the photo that afternoon.


	14. On the Train

Dally stared out the open door of the boxcar at the passing scenery. He'd finally hopped a train out of town and hadn't told anyone but Ponyboy. But he didn't tell Ponyboy the whole story. Sure, he missed Johnny, just like everybody else did, and of course he was concerned about how Johnny was doing. But that wasn't entirely why he was going.

The only time he could ever remember being really mad at Johnny was the day Johnny alluded to having thoughts of suicide. Dally had flown off the handle and told Johnny he'd better never say stuff like that again. He realized in hindsight his reaction had only hindered his ability to know if Johnny was actually becoming a danger to himself or not. Johnny never mentioned it again in Dally's presence, but Dally knew there were times when the kid was sinking into a deep depression. In a way, it didn't matter if he ever mentioned it again or not. He'd mentioned it once, and that was enough for Dally to be aware of the problem. Johnny didn't communicate with words. Dally had always been able to read his face; he could see what was going on in his head. He became fairly confident after a while that Johnny would never actually attempt anything as horribly drastic as suicide, but there were times when that confidence had wavered. Johnny had always been able to pull himself out of the mood after a while, but Dally never got over the sick feeling of knowing that Johnny himself had to be added to the list of dangers that Dally tried so hard to protect him from.

So the problem now was that a significant means of communication with Johnny had been removed. In some ways, the only means of communication. Now, he heard the sad, lonely voice over the phone and he knew nothing. He didn't know what Johnny was really thinking, he didn't know how this new family was treating him, he knew nothing but what very little Johnny would tell him. And there was no one there to stop him if... Dally forced the thought from his head.

Sad and lonely... no- there was more to it than that, Dally thought. There was something else in his voice the last time they'd spoken. Fear, maybe? But of what? He would find out soon enough, he decided.

The train rumbled through town after town, all the while the sky turned from blue to gold and the buildings became fewer and farther between as the train left the city. The sparse groups of trees grew thicker, and the vacant lots became open fields of corn and hay, and the sky seemed to extend forever. So this is the 'country' that Ponyboy talks about so often, Dally thought with some amusement. He wasn't quite sure what the thrill was. But something made him sit up a little straighter and start really looking at the quickly moving surroundings. In the distance, Dally could see they were approaching a hill, unusual for the typically flat Oklahoma landscape, and something about it had jogged his memory... this was the place his cousin had told him about a few months ago. This was the town of Windrixville. The hill was Jay Mountain. Dally had never been there, but now he knew what he was looking for. He leaned slightly out of the boxcar, squinting his eyes to see if he could see it. And there it was. Off in the distance rising just above the tree line on the hill Dally could see the silhouette of a church steeple. The setting sun glinted off what he figured must be a metal cross on the top of the spire. The church was abandoned. His cousin had mentioned that it would be a perfect hideout if anyone were ever in enough trouble to need it. Dally hadn't given the place a second thought since that day. He'd been in trouble with the law before and he wasn't afraid of spending a few nights in jail. Hell, he'd spent a few weeks in jail before. He could take it. And the rest of the gang never got into any real trouble, so he'd pretty much forgotten about the place until now. But, as he stared at it, a sick, eerie feeling filled the pit of his stomach as though the church held some kind of horrible memory for him. He'd never been there, so he couldn't for the life of him think what kind of memory a place he'd never been could hold. As he looked at it, he knew he'd never go there. He couldn't go there. He didn't think he would even send anyone else there. In fact, the sick feeling slowly turned to a feeling of relief, as though in seeing and passing by the old, empty building and continuing on his journey, he'd avoided something terrible. He wondered in awe about the feelings he was having. Bizzare, he thought. Wonder if the old place is haunted, or something? He thought about how Johnny and Ponyboy used to go to church. He'd gone once, but no one knew. He had gone to meet Pony and Johnny, and he'd waited for them outside the church below an open window. He'd been able to hear the minister quite clearly speaking about God and how he loved his children and how even though bad things happen, it's all a part of God's plan.

"And we know that all things work together for good for those that love God, " the minister said.

Dally had sat back against the wall of the church and lit up a cigarette. Whatever, he'd thought. He'd seen enough bad stuff to be pretty sure that "all things" weren't working together for good. Maybe Mr. Preacher should hang out on my side of town for a few days, he'd thought ruefully.

"But the promise is not for everyone, " the minister went on. "Note that it says 'to them that love God'. For those who love God, He is working in their lives to turn even evil circumstances around for their long range good. We may not understand why or how, but God knows."

Dally digested that. On the rare occasions that he decided God existed, he only felt anger, certainly not love. So, Dally thought, I guess that pretty much leaves me out of that plan. He was only half listening by this point. The way he saw it, he and the other greasers were pretty much stuck in their "evil circumstances" and he couldn't see a way that even God could get any of them out. Except maybe Ponyboy.

"Think of a piece of coal," he heard the minister say. "If you place a piece of coal on a table and let it sit there, not much will happen. It's just a lump of coal. But, if you place it underground, under enormous pressure, in time, what happens to that piece of coal?" There was a pause. "It becomes a diamond!"

Dally raised his eyebrows. Was this guy nuts? If that were true, every low life on the East side of Tulsa would be getting rich in their own backyard! And what did coal have to do with people living with difficult circumstances? He was not making the connection.

"God wants everyone to be a part of his plan... It is His desire that everyone comes to know and accept His Son, Jesus-"

Dally got up then and stormed off. He'd heard enough. Johnny and Ponyboy could come and find him when they were finished listening to all this nonsense.

Dally chewed at his lower lip as he remembered that day. That was one of the last times that Ponyboy and Johnny had gone to church. The next week they'd brought some of the boys with them and Two-Bit had done something to embarrass them enough that they had never gone back. Too bad, he thought. That preacher had been a pretty good speaker. Even though Dally had stormed off, he'd thought a lot about what he'd heard that day.

He laughed a little at himself, still remembering. He couldn't believe he'd actually done it, but he had. He had buried a piece of coal that night. Two-Bit had given everyone a lump of coal for Christmas one year as a joke. Dally hadn't really seen the humor in this, but for some reason, he'd kept the coal in the bottom drawer of his dresser at Buck's. He had just never bothered to get rid of it. He waited for a night when he knew none of the gang was sleeping outside and he took the coal over to the far corner of the lot and buried it. He buried it as deep as he could and even put a few heavy rocks on top of it. What could it hurt, he had thought. It was such a ridiculous idea that maybe it was actually true. Preachers were supposed to be honest men. And if it didn't work, no harm done, really. He certainly hadn't told anyone about it, and he had completely forgotten about it until that very moment on the train. Maybe he would dig it up when he got back.

Dally's thoughts began to wander to other things... things that had weighed on his mind for weeks now. He had made a choice to let Johnny go to Virginia. Granted, Johnny had a mind of his own, but Dally knew full well that he could easily have insisted that Johnny remain in Tulsa and Johnny would have stayed. Ultimately, he felt he was responsible for whatever happened from here on out. And then he began to think about choices. How making choices was like setting up dominos all in a row. If you make a wrong choice, set up a domino wrong, the whole thing can fall all at once. What were the implications of the choice he'd made not to stop Johnny from leaving? Was it a good choice? Had Dally removed him from harm's way, or had he sent Johnny straight into another living hell, just further away from his friends? What would have happened if Johnny had stayed in Tulsa?

A noise from the back of the box car made him jump. A scraping sound... like one of the crates that was piled up against the wall had moved. Then a groan. Dally realized he was not alone in the car.


End file.
